the flowers still grow

and honestly? maybe the worst part about this is that i don’t know anymore. what’s me, and what’s just my brain. and what does that leave you with? when you can’t trust your own judgement? when there’s so much doubt in your head that you feel like you’re going insane?

so i’ll paint the sky a cerulean blue and i’ll smile, and draw stick figures and cute flowers and pin it to our fridge and be your perfect daughter, and it’ll all be for you.

and our tears will melt across our cheeks and i’ll call you, at 11:00pm in the bathroom and i’ll tell you how much i love you, but i don’t think you’ll ever truly know.

and i’ll try to write it out. i’ll try to show you, even with my shaking hands. and my broken bones. 

and honestly, sometimes all i know is that the wind blows through the leaves and at least for now… the flowers still grow.

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why don’t you love me?

i think maybe / you’re leaving me / i think maybe / floating icebergs and cloud castles a billion miles away from me / i think maybe / i’m nothing without you there to validate me / my heart sinking through the floorboards / because why don’t you love me? / vanishing into the walls with the hope i used to always carry on me /  never to be seen again, i guess, maybe / because it feels like a disappearing kind of day / because my chest is empty and the world is on fire and i sort of want to ruin something, okay / so better start with my health / and i miss the things you made me feel / more than i actually miss you yourself.

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december 13th, 2019

i never said this would be easy.

never said you wouldn’t feel like giving up sometimes. because it’s hard, and confusing, and lonely.

never said you’d grow up like the other kids. never said that some days, you wouldn’t cry your eyes out on the bathroom floor just because you exist. never said it wouldn’t take all the strength you have just to get through this. but… look at you. 

you’re doing it. 

you’re growing. stronger, and stronger, and you are steady now. and i don’t think there’s anything in the world that could knock you down forever.

because i think… you’re getting better.

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static electricity, and flashing neon lights. and i don’t care how i got here. just keep driving. 

and let me cry, like the world is over. cry, because i’m so ridiculously scared of getting better. but for all the times i never said it… i’m proud of you. for how far you’ve come. for all that you’ve lived through.

and there are always gonna be days when you feel like this. when memories haunt you from long-past moments. and you’re surrounded by friends, and yet you still can’t help but feel the aching sting of loneliness.

but it will pass. just like always. and you’ll keep breathing. and you’ll fight. and you’ll win.

because you’re so much more than a sacrifice to this abyss.

A while back a counsellor on a crisis line wanted me to write something for myself that I could read in the moments when I was falling apart, when I didn’t feel worthy of love or anything else–when I wanted to destroy every inch of space I dared to take up. I’ve made a lot of different attempts at that, and, well, I wrote this one on a school computer on a really rough day a couple days ago, and for some reason I am so ridiculously proud of this one.

december 27th, 2019

i’m disgusted by my body. i’m disgusted by myself. i’m disgusted by humanity.

so lift me high above my mind.  crush up my skeleton. hit the delete button. turn off the gravity.

flickering lights. black and white. i read over old journals and start to forget the reality.

and the colours always sort of melt late at night. blue, and green, and yellow, and white…

sand i’m not even sure what’s true and what’s false anymore. So find me curled up in the darkest hole i can find. hiding away, from the fucked up beast i call my mind.

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