cold

trigger warning: suicidal thoughts mention. need to talk to anyone? crisis lines are here.

numb hands, and a heavy head. and i know it’s a mental illness, but it’s still in my control and i still should have fixed it.

i should have been better. should have been perfect. not frozen numb on the inside, hands in my pockets as i realize that loneliness does not discriminate based on circumstance. and that even when i’m surrounded by the people who love me most, i will still fall asleep, and my mind will still feel like stone.

and sometimes when i cry, i feel like i’m six years old. and my mom tells me to stop. my mom tells me it’s not your time to go and how can thoughts of suicide at such a young age have somehow felt so normal?

so for all of the times when the lonely felt like permafrost seeping through me. when i was defined by these aching concrete bones. i am not alone.

there is love out there. there is something like a small beam of hope, and i won’t say it’ll go away forever. but there’s more to life than feeling this cold.

and you know you brought yourself back to life from the brink of oblivion, right? you rubbed your hands together. you smashed sunlight into sparks and somehow lit a fire. you wrote yourself a home. 

and it’s gonna be ok. believe me. i’d know.


Check out the spoken word version here.

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defining myself based on my success

harsh metal edges and the tired, empty thoughts, echoing around my head.

so say you’re proud of me. say this time, i’ve really done it and i’ll smile shyly at the ground like a goofy little kid and bask in the thought for just a couple minutes that after all this time i did it. i did it. 

despite all the odds stacked up against me. despite all the reasons to not.  i did it. i stood up, and i fought.

so say you love me. and i’ll try to let the words wash over me. let them wrap around my shoulders like medicine. and i’ll try to let it sink in but honestly, it’s hard to believe… any of this.

because how can this be real? how can this make sense? 

don’t you know i’m worthless?


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Happy New Year!

Hey guys! I don’t normally post about holidays, just because I’m not a huge celebration person, but I just wanted to say, to whoever likes my blog enough to bother with reading this: thank you. Thank you for nice comments, and likes, and for supporting me at the start of what I hope is a long journey.

This is the first year out of many for this blog, hopefully, and I can’t wait to see what I’ll accomplish this year. What the world will do this year.

And honestly, 2019 was rough. I think 2020 is probably gonna be pretty rough too. But I know… that we’re gonna make it through. And it’s ok to be scared. It’s ok to be excited. It’s ok if you aren’t all that emotional about new year at all. Whatever you’re feeling, it’s ok.

2019 was rough, but… it’s also been a year of growth. The year I started this blog, the year I got help and started medication–the year things started to get better. And even though I’m scared, I’m also excited. Because I think things are getting better. I think I’m going to fight.

So… I hope the next year is a good one for you. I hope so much, for all of you. Thank you again, so much, for everything. We’re in this together.

Lots of love,

dragonwritesthings

breathe in, breathe out

breathe in / breathe out / you can do this. / breathe in / breathe out / come on / you were made for this. / breathe in / breathe out / you were born with a voice for a reason. / breathe in / breathe out / it’s ok if it’s hard. / and all you have to do today is write one sentence / take one step forward / and that’s enough. / it’s ok. you’re allowed to be tired. / and you can do this / and you will make mistakes / of course you’ll make mistakes / but the sun will rise / and the wind will blow the leaves away and the seasons will change and i promise you there will be another chance like this, even if it doesn’t come right away. / now speak / one sentence after another / you have something to say, and there are people out there who want you to be heard. / be brave / be the loudest thunderstorm / be the roaring ocean / be the wind pushing the clouds away / now rise / rise without looking back / rise, despite all the times you hate yourself / despite the illness / despite the cracks in your head / despite all of this. / and yeah, it takes strength. but i know you can do this.


A spoken word version of this poem will be releasing on Friday, so if you liked this, keep your eyes out for that one. 🙂 Find me on PatreonYouTubeInstagramWattpadTumblr, and on Twitter.

mirror

building castles, only to tear them down and start all over again. because it’s never perfect as it is in my head.

building kingdoms. sculpting blood, sweat, and tears, into the most beautiful portrait.  but no matter how hard i try, there’s always going to be something wrong with it.

and i’m so scared of messing up, that honestly to this day when faced with the possibility trying i would still rather stay in my room, hiding. because maybe you miss 100% of the goals you don’t shoot, but the rage of self-hatred i will give myself for failing is far worse of the vague guilt of sitting there and doing nothing.

and you’ll tell me you’re so proud of me, with tears in your eyes. and you’ll wrap your arms around me. and i won’t feel anything, except maybe in the most hidden corners of my mind.

but i’ll smile. and i’ll get up on stage, and wave at the crowd, ignoring the voices in my head even though they’re so fucking loud. and i’ll give this my everything. i’ll keep going through the storm… until i can’t do this anymore.


Check out the spoken word version here.

Find me on PatreonYouTubeInstagramWattpadTumblr, and on Twitter.