it’s so sad it’s funny, the way the rotting leaves soak into my sneakers. and the cars roll past, one after the fucking other. how i pick at my cuticles until my fingers bleed, and want to scream a little bit. because i never meant to hurt myself. it just kinda… happened.

it’s depressing, and pathetic. the way each night, i tell myself i’ll get my shit together tomorrow. and i really mean it. but tomorrow never comes; it is bright and effervescent. it is new year’s eve promises, and dollar store condolence cards, screaming i’m sorry as you bang at the front door. but people are people. and i don’t think it matters anymore.

because i’ve worn myself down to nothing. mastered the art of hanging on by a thread. let my lips go numb, and my shoulders grow tense. allowed dark circles take up permanent residence…

but tomorrow warms me like a sunrise. it is the flicker in my eyes; it is the lump in my throat. one slow, careful footstep after the next; goodbye melting into hello. long car rides, clinging to the words of some stranger on the radio.

and i know what you’d say. some bullshit, about not crying because it’s over, but smiling because it happened. and of course, i’d only half believe it. but i’d cry a little bit. because your hugs were warm, and your flowers bloomed golden.

because you promised me, that tomorrow would be better. that it would be okay. and whenever i forgot, you’d teach me how to breathe again, which is stupid, and embarrassing, but… i think you might have saved me, back then.

and so i will build myself back up, like a jenga tower or some shit. and maybe it won’t be the same. maybe it’ll be wobbly, and imperfect. but tomorrow, tomorrow, it all be worth it.

Hey guys! I hope you liked this piece, I love it so much! I wrote and edited it in the same day because I was itching to get it finished. I think it speaks for itself, so I don’t have anything to say in that regard, however: I’m planning on doing a spoken word track for this piece, so expect that soon! Also, I’m working on a video for “be okay” but as soon as that’s done this is next on the chopping block.

Lots of love,


cold coffee

i drink my coffee cold. let it sit at my desk for hours on end. as i watch another movie on netflix, or hum a song i heard on the radio.

and i cling to the lyrics. i cup them in my clammy hands, as my heart beings to pound. and the snowdrift wraps its loving arms around me, whispering sweet nothings in my ear. don’t you just want to give up? because no one wants you here…

don’t you just want to lie down, on your perfect bed. in your cute, cozy sweater. don’t you just want to lie down, and stay here forever?

sipping your coffee. as the cobwebs twine around your fingers. and the lock will snap shut on its own. the hinges will squeak, as your bedroom door slips closed.

but… i don’t mind, not really. because i don’t know what this place is. but i think it loves me.

it’s been a long night

you know how it starts. scrolling through twitter for two hours straight, in your mess of a bedroom.

and maybe you haven’t eaten since seven, when cried into your cereal. maybe you woke up to the sound of sirens. or maybe your brain is just like this.

and so your stomach begins to twist. because you’ve been riding a rollercoaster that you didn’t sign up for for weeks now. kicking, and screaming, and begging to be let out.

so maybe your fingers shake as you type. maybe your thoughts flash like thunder through your mind. maybe your feet fall asleep, and the rest of your body sure as hell wants to. because it’s been a long night.

and maybe you freeze in place, every time someone meets your eyes. because i know i do. maybe your body feels like a tired grandfather clock; rusty gears this close to giving up….

maybe my mom is right. maybe we will survive. maybe i’ll live past thirty. maybe i’ll have a nice, happy life.

maybe the grass is greener on the other side. but it’s hard to see that right now.

so i’m sorry. for my cold, jaded edges. for my razor-sharp self hatred. i just don’t know what to do.

because the world is on fire. and i still can’t hate you.