a night with no stars

because it’s foggy, now. and every time i go out, it’s freezing cold, and i don’t remember when the sky fell. and i don’t get it. where my mental illness starts, and where i end. and where my mental illness ends me, and where i end it. and if i can ever really end it. and if i can ever really think like a normal person, or something like that. and i am a puppet. and i can’t breathe. and it’s foggy, and you’ve never felt further away from me. and so i try to run away but the dark just sort of keeps following me, and if i’m being honest some days i don’t want to bother fighting it. because i can’t even see the sky above me. can’t fucking stop taking myself so seriously. and making mountains out of molehills, and somethings out of nothings. because that’s pretty much what it means to have anxiety. and so i’ll call myself anxiety so i can look into the mirror and not have to see myself anymore. and you’ll find me lying there on the floor. begging for help as my ribcage starts to crumple and my soul catches fire. even though i have all the help i ever could have asked for. even though i know no one can save me from myself. but i can’t feel my chest. and my hands have gone numb. and it’s so cold out. and i don’t know how to do that. and i don’t know who the old me was. and i don’t know if she could have handled this or not. but i can’t see myself in her anymore.


a sort-of sequel poem to “a night spent looking at the stars.” (which you can read by clicking here.) because… i don’t know. i use that line a lot in this poem, because it reslly represents where i’m at right now. i thought i was doing better. i really thought i was doing better. i thought i was going to be all right, for a while. i don’t know what it is exactly, but i don’t feel that way anymore. just in case you need it, my mental health resources post is here.


keywords: poetry blogs, poetry blog sites, poetry blog wordpress, poetry blog websites, poetry on a blog, anonymous poetry blog, poetry blogs best, contemporary poetry blog, deep poetry blog, poetry blogs free, poetry blog sites free, poetry blog on wordpress, original poetry blog, poetry writing blog, poetry writers blog, poetry creative writing blog, mental health and poetry, poetry on mental health, writing poetry mental health, young female poets, young living poets, young modern poets, upcoming young poets, young writers high school, young writers in the world, young writers online, young writers of canada, young writers of canada 2019, young writers poetry, young writers quotes, young writers 2019

an entire day spent binge reading harry potter in a desperate attempt to escape reality

it is 8:09p.m. and i have not done anything productive today. it is 8:09p.m. and i don’t want to face reality, because if i turn a blind eye, maybe i can magic myself all right. and it is 8:09p.m. and i have not done anything productive today other than cry. because if i could, i swear i would just run out to the top of the driveway in the pouring rain and scream at the sky. and it is 8:09 p.m. and i have spent the entire day denying i am even alive. and denying i am falling apart. and denying that winter has never felt this heavy, or this dark… and i still can’t breathe when i walk through a hallway. and i still can’t say that i believe with all my heart that i deserve to take up space. and where did you go? and when will you be back? and will you ever come back? and weren’t you supposed to be the one that saved me? the one that duct-taped all the broken pieces together until it looked something like happy? and tell me you won’t leave me…. and tell me it’s going to be okay. and tell me that you’re proud of me, or that you love me… and tell me i won’t always have to beg for affection even though most of the time it seems that way… and tell me you won’t forget about me… because it’s just hard to believe that today.


keywords: poetry blogs, poetry blog sites, poetry blog wordpress, poetry blog websites, poetry on a blog, anonymous poetry blog, poetry blogs best, contemporary poetry blog, deep poetry blog, poetry blogs free, poetry blog sites free, poetry blog on wordpress, original poetry blog, poetry writing blog, poetry writers blog, poetry creative writing blog, mental health and poetry, poetry on mental health, writing poetry mental health, young female poets, young living poets, young modern poets, upcoming young poets, young writers high school, young writers in the world, young writers online, young writers of canada, young writers of canada 2019, young writers poetry, young writers quotes, young writers 2019

lonely nights, which are only slightly better with sweaters and radio

trigger warning: self-harm

and tomorrow, everything will be different. and tomorrow, i will feel things again. and tomorrow, i will not feel so abandoned, even inside my own head. and tomorrow, you’ll be with me again. but you won’t be with me again. but you won’t even see me this way again. and the self-harm marks are turning into scabs, and i refuse to let those scabs become scars, but in the moment it’s just a lot… more… hard… and tomorrow, i will get on the phone. tomorrow, i will not cry in the closet with a pillow like a blindfold because that way you don’t have to fucking know. because that way, i can just walk right past you, and try to look as much like nothing as possible. but for now, i’m stuck. so for now, i’ll just make myself tea. and put on a sweater. and open google docs, and plug in my headphones, and wait out the storm. as i listen to the radio.


i wrote this one on a really bad night, a couple weeks back, as a way to try and talk mysel f out of a particularly bad wave of loneliness. i really did listen to a radio broadcast while i was writing, and somehow the sound of another human voice, just talking about music and their feelings and the world… it was really calming. and i guess it just reminded me that there were other people out there. and that the world wasn’t ending, and that it would be all right, and in that moment, i needed that reassurance more than anything. for spoken word version, click here.


keywords: poetry blogs, poetry blog sites, poetry blog wordpress, poetry blog websites, poetry on a blog, anonymous poetry blog, poetry blogs best, contemporary poetry blog, deep poetry blog, poetry blogs free, poetry blog sites free, poetry blog on wordpress, original poetry blog, poetry writing blog, poetry writers blog, poetry creative writing blog, mental health and poetry, poetry on mental health, writing poetry mental health, young female poets, young living poets, young modern poets, upcoming young poets, young writers high school, young writers in the world, young writers online, young writers of canada, young writers of canada 2019, young writers poetry, young writers quotes, young writers 2019

august 19th, 2019

go ahead. close my eyes. close my eyes, and lock me in the dark, and eliminate all variables. just make everything perfect, all right? make it all exactly like you wanted. make it so my eyes have this way of blending perfectly into the night. bend my emotions, and make me successful, all right? make me run a hundred. thousand. miles. and make me never get tired of this. and make me never want to cry because of this. make me perfect this time. and take advantage of my fleeting emotions, because i am not sure what i am, but i know i’m not all right. and i know it’s really fucking dark outside. and i’m tired of this, all right? i’m tired of being the one who’s always up past their limits but goddamnit, i have to write. and i’ll look back, straight through time, and i’ll feel my stomach clench up. and i’ll drown myself in sugar, and salt, and spice. and i’ll hate myself. which was exactly what i was trying to avoid. so go ahead. turn everything off for a second. leave me in the dark, and don’t tell me how to turn on the light. because the truth is… i don’t know how else to be all right.


keywords: poetry blogs, poetry blog sites, poetry blog wordpress, poetry blog websites, poetry on a blog, anonymous poetry blog, poetry blogs best, contemporary poetry blog, deep poetry blog, poetry blogs free, poetry blog sites free, poetry blog on wordpress, original poetry blog, poetry writing blog, poetry writers blog, poetry creative writing blog, mental health and poetry, poetry on mental health, writing poetry mental health, young female poets, young living poets, young modern poets, upcoming young poets, young writers high school, young writers in the world, young writers online, young writers of canada, young writers of canada 2019, young writers poetry, young writers quotes, young writers 2019

 

august 26th, 2019

trigger warning: self-harm. if you need to talk to anyone, no matter what you’re going through, find a crisis line in your area here. hang in there. i’m sending all my hugs your way. keep fighting. we’re in this together, okay?

and honestly right now i can barely hear you / but that’s all right because honestly i can’t process anything right now without my brain jamming / so maybe the music / will drown out everything / and maybe poetry and too many cookies can fix my shitty feelings / enough to bend the pain into something hard enough to sharpen blades / like weapons / to use against you / and weapons / to gently cut at my skin, waiting desperately for the monsoon to soften / but honestly just hand me the key / and i’ll lock myself in the dark for a night  / or two / or three / and i can’t hear you and i don’t fucking want to / and i know this isn’t healthy / but i don’t even want to move right now / don’t want to move for you / because in my head it’s always / about you and / it’s always about me and / the sky starts to bend and / i’m on my knees and / i can’t breathe and / i can’t breathe / and what’s the point of trying if i’ll only tear every accomplishment down / down / down to nothing / and i look into your eyes and pretend to be all right and i am / down / down / down / and i am the dissociation plate smash / as the glass breaks around me and i don’t / feel / anything / as the glass starts to collide all around me and the knife breaks the skin and no one even fucking notices and i / don’t feel shit / as my lungs sort of explode a little / but right now / honestly, i couldn’t care less / or the monster in my head couldn’t care less / or i don’t know what life is / or i don’t know what mine is / or i don’t know who i am / and i don’t know / if i’m in control of this


keywords: poetry blogs, poetry blog sites, poetry blog wordpress, poetry blog websites, poetry on a blog, anonymous poetry blog, poetry blogs best, contemporary poetry blog, deep poetry blog, poetry blogs free, poetry blog sites free, poetry blog on wordpress, original poetry blog, poetry writing blog, poetry writers blog, poetry creative writing blog, mental health and poetry, poetry on mental health, writing poetry mental health, young female poets, young living poets, young modern poets, upcoming young poets, young writers high school, young writers in the world, young writers online, young writers of canada, young writers of canada 2019, young writers poetry, young writers quotes, young writers 2019