lonely nights, which are only slightly better with sweaters and radio

trigger warning: self-harm

and tomorrow, everything will be different. and tomorrow, i will feel things again. and tomorrow, i will not feel so abandoned, even inside my own head. and tomorrow, you’ll be with me again. but you won’t be with me again. but you won’t even see me this way again. and the self-harm marks are turning into scabs, and i refuse to let those scabs become scars, but in the moment it’s just a lot… more… hard… and tomorrow, i will get on the phone. tomorrow, i will not cry in the closet with a pillow like a blindfold because that way you don’t have to fucking know. because that way, i can just walk right past you, and try to look as much like nothing as possible. but for now, i’m stuck. so for now, i’ll just make myself tea. and put on a sweater. and open google docs, and plug in my headphones, and wait out the storm. as i listen to the radio.


i wrote this one on a really bad night, a couple weeks back, as a way to try and talk mysel f out of a particularly bad wave of loneliness. i really did listen to a radio broadcast while i was writing, and somehow the sound of another human voice, just talking about music and their feelings and the world… it was really calming. and i guess it just reminded me that there were other people out there. and that the world wasn’t ending, and that it would be all right, and in that moment, i needed that reassurance more than anything. for spoken word version, click here.


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august 19th, 2019

go ahead. close my eyes. close my eyes, and lock me in the dark, and eliminate all variables. just make everything perfect, all right? make it all exactly like you wanted. make it so my eyes have this way of blending perfectly into the night. bend my emotions, and make me successful, all right? make me run a hundred. thousand. miles. and make me never get tired of this. and make me never want to cry because of this. make me perfect this time. and take advantage of my fleeting emotions, because i am not sure what i am, but i know i’m not all right. and i know it’s really fucking dark outside. and i’m tired of this, all right? i’m tired of being the one who’s always up past their limits but goddamnit, i have to write. and i’ll look back, straight through time, and i’ll feel my stomach clench up. and i’ll drown myself in sugar, and salt, and spice. and i’ll hate myself. which was exactly what i was trying to avoid. so go ahead. turn everything off for a second. leave me in the dark, and don’t tell me how to turn on the light. because the truth is… i don’t know how else to be all right.


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august 26th, 2019

trigger warning: self-harm. if you need to talk to anyone, no matter what you’re going through, find a crisis line in your area here. hang in there. i’m sending all my hugs your way. keep fighting. we’re in this together, okay?

and honestly right now i can barely hear you / but that’s all right because honestly i can’t process anything right now without my brain jamming / so maybe the music / will drown out everything / and maybe poetry and too many cookies can fix my shitty feelings / enough to bend the pain into something hard enough to sharpen blades / like weapons / to use against you / and weapons / to gently cut at my skin, waiting desperately for the monsoon to soften / but honestly just hand me the key / and i’ll lock myself in the dark for a night  / or two / or three / and i can’t hear you and i don’t fucking want to / and i know this isn’t healthy / but i don’t even want to move right now / don’t want to move for you / because in my head it’s always / about you and / it’s always about me and / the sky starts to bend and / i’m on my knees and / i can’t breathe and / i can’t breathe / and what’s the point of trying if i’ll only tear every accomplishment down / down / down to nothing / and i look into your eyes and pretend to be all right and i am / down / down / down / and i am the dissociation plate smash / as the glass breaks around me and i don’t / feel / anything / as the glass starts to collide all around me and the knife breaks the skin and no one even fucking notices and i / don’t feel shit / as my lungs sort of explode a little / but right now / honestly, i couldn’t care less / or the monster in my head couldn’t care less / or i don’t know what life is / or i don’t know what mine is / or i don’t know who i am / and i don’t know / if i’m in control of this


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