hold you

i wish i could hold you. wish i could turn the pain into beauty, and lay flowers on your shoulders and slowly wind the clock forward to a time when cars fly, and the sky dances, and we’re no longer broken. and i know things wouldn’t be perfect, but i’m tired of stitching myself together, scar by scar. tired of looking at myself in the mirror and falling apart on the bathroom floor.

i wish i could suffer the blows with you, and wipe away your forestfire tears, for as long as you need me too.

i wish i could write you a happy ending, where you don’t have to deal with any of this. because i hope you know every single day how beautifully imperfect you are. how you are so much more than any wound or scar. 

i wish you knew how much i care about you. because maybe i don’t know your name, or maybe i do. but i do know that you’re human, and you’re worth it, okay? you’re worth the space you take up. you’re worth all your flaws, and bad days. and we need you here. so please.


Listen to the spoken word version here.

january 6th, 2020

paperthin doubts. crumbling bones. and don’t you dare try to give me anything resembling a compliment, because if you do i think i might explode.

tired eyes and weak bones. and i’m sorry for crying on your staircase at two in the morning i just feel so alone.  so trapped inside myself. and you’re allowed to take up space in a room, you know.

skeletal fingers and shadows in the night, slamming your eyes closed. because i’ve seen monsters, all right? i’ve been there, and i’ve done that, and nothing you throw at me could possibly compare to the villains that live in my head.

panic attack in the locker bay, mid-block all alone. and fake a smile, okay? say you’re fine when they say hello.

questioning reality. because you’ve never been in anyone’s mind but your own. and this could all just be a stimulation, or a game, or some kind of sick dream. you know?

a heart. cold as stone.

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as long as you’re there, i won’t have to be alone

let me bury my thoughts in your arms. your warm, soft arms, that always feel like home. let me drown in your problems, so i will never have to think about my own. because i don’t know how to do this. i don’t know why i’m even trying. so…

so as long as you’re with me, i won’t have to be lost, or scared, or alone. because god do i feel alone. and i know this is stupid, but i just… it’s all so dark inside my head. and i still can’t find a lightswitch or i don’t know. i’m just so scared of what happens next. 

when i crawl out of the coffin nestled deep in my skull. and maybe for the first time in my life, i’ll really see the world.

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trigger warning: suicidal thoughts mention. need to talk to anyone? crisis lines are here.

numb hands, and a heavy head. and i know it’s a mental illness, but it’s still in my control and i still should have fixed it.

i should have been better. should have been perfect. not frozen numb on the inside, hands in my pockets as i realize that loneliness does not discriminate based on circumstance. and that even when i’m surrounded by the people who love me most, i will still fall asleep, and my mind will still feel like stone.

and sometimes when i cry, i feel like i’m six years old. and my mom tells me to stop. my mom tells me it’s not your time to go and how can thoughts of suicide at such a young age have somehow felt so normal?

so for all of the times when the lonely felt like permafrost seeping through me. when i was defined by these aching concrete bones. i am not alone.

there is love out there. there is something like a small beam of hope, and i won’t say it’ll go away forever. but there’s more to life than feeling this cold.

and you know you brought yourself back to life from the brink of oblivion, right? you rubbed your hands together. you smashed sunlight into sparks and somehow lit a fire. you wrote yourself a home. 

and it’s gonna be ok. believe me. i’d know.

Check out the spoken word version here.

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i am tired, and there is so much darkness

trigger warning: suicidal thoughts. need to talk? crisis lines are here.

there are cracks in my skull. there is an earthquake in my bones. i am a burden. i am worthless. no one loves me and i am alone.

and i shouldn’t be feeling like this. i shouldn’t even be thinking about this. i don’t think you even know how much time i spend wondering about this. about what would happen if i vanished. if i went for a walk, and never came back. and would you even miss me? really? because i wouldn’t.

because sometimes. it just feels so heavy. and i just wish i could lift these bricks off my shoulders. wish i could lie down, and close my eyes, and actually go to sleep at a reasonable time. 

but i can’t do that tonight.

Based off some intrusive thoughts I was having a while back that I really needed to let out. I know parts of this poem are a little melodramatic, and to be honest that’s kind of intentional. When I wrote it, my anxiety brain was being really melodramatic. I don’t think it’s true, but I needed to write it out anyway. Just… to see that.

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