an empty space nestled deep inside me

the hollow cave of my skeleton. fake conversation. and the weight of your expectation. and the moment you realize there are some things that there are no answers for, even when you google it. and even though most of the time, i can trick myself into thinking i’m fine, i know perfectly well i’m just lying to myself about it. and every time i close my eyes, all i can see are the fissures, slowly growing into fault lines, and it’s all in my mind. and it’s all in my mind. and it’s all in my mind… and there is a storm i am numb to, raging on outside. and there is a storm i may never escape from, raging out beyond this night. and there is a world, burning down on my shoulders, and i don’t know what to tell you when you cry on my shoulders, because i don’t know what to tell myself when my tears dribble down my shoulders… and maybe… maybe this doesn’t matter. maybe i’m just a kid, shouting out her feelings into nowhere. or maybe that’s just today. because half of me is okay, but half of me feels like i’m underwater. i’m underwater. i’m underwater… and i’m not okay…


just a little sad poem for you all. hang in there. mental health resources post is here.


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there are five days left of summer break and i am paralyzed

and / i won’t let you touch me and / i won’t let you go / anywhere near me and / i will live for my art because at least when i write i don’t hate myself completely / and i will wither without you there to encourage me which probably says a lot about the state of my ability to take care of myself honestly / because i miss you / but i don’t want to / because i want to tell you it’s fine / because i wish it was fine / because i refuse to be a burden / but / i feel like a burden / and my head / please / take my head / take the thousand rough drafts curled up in my skull and /  i don’t know / how to let them go / how to be a bird / how to fly like i’m actually meant to be alive / i don’t know / and i don’t know if i’m doing this right / and i miss being myself / but i don’t know / who that is / right now because it’s changing so fast because / i’m spinning around / and around / and around / losing pieces of myself accidentally / and i just / i don’t know / where this is going / who i’m turning into / and what next year will even look like because / next year i will be without you and because / next year i will be with you and it’s been a long time since i’ve written like this is all / like i am so thirsty / and it’s been so long / since i’ve come home / and i just forgot / how amazing it felt / to feel for a moment like / i don’t know / like maybe there’s a chance you could be at peace with yourself / like you could speak up for yourself / like despite all the shit that’s happening / you’re powerful / and it’s ok that you’re a kid / with broken limbs because someday they’ll heal properly / and it’s just a feeling / and it’s probably just the fact that i’m not good at change but right now it just feels like my head is collapsing / and it’s all happening / way / too fast / and / i  / am / paralyzed / by the rush of time / and


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and apparently puppies on instagram are the only things with bright eyes anymore

and you don’t know about any of this, do you? don’t know how fucked up everything is, right now. don’t know how sometimes, i just sort of want to curl up into a ball and cry for all the shit i’ve lost, now. now. now. and by that, i guess i just mean my innocence. i mean the fleeting, shattered moments when i trusted you more than i trusted anyone else. i mean i’m rereading the books of my childhood, and suddenly i understand. and you don’t feel any of this, do you? don’t get it. what the world has fucking come to. don’t understand that sometimes in life you love people so much, and they will care the world in return and still never know how to love you. and if you hear screaming just let me know, because tonight the monsters in my head are hunting me down to the death again, and sometimes i say things i don’t mean to. and can’t you see it? the way that on the bad nights, sometimes exhaustion slams the door, but never locks me in. and is it better? to be ignorant? to just not have to think about any of this? because… you just look so happy. like all you really want in your life is to spend it loving someone unconditionally.


so im sleep deprived and getting sick as i write this, but like i think this is okay? when i’m sick all logic honestly just goes out the window, but i think it’s okay.


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a letter to myself for when it feels like there’s nothing else left in the world

trigger warning: suicide mention, self-harm

influenced by shane koyczan. (a little.)

i know. you cried puddles on the kitchen floor, and threw chairs at the door, and your stomach shook from the impact afterwards. didn’t it? didn’t you? and you snapped, and you fell apart, as the sun descended over the horizon, and it felt like it was the end of the world because in that moment you hated yourself more than you hated everything else. didn’t you? and some days, you still don’t know what’s in your head and what’s actually true. but… you also picked yourself up off the ground and winced as you bandaged your bleeding limbs too, because as a kid with mental illness… it’s the kind of thing you learn how to do. and you’ll tell yourself you can’t, and then you will. and you’ll tell yourself it’s too much, and sometimes it is. but somehow, you’ll live to tell the tale that you made it through. and i guess i just wanted to say that for all the times i haven’t said it: i believe in you. i believe that you will make mistakes. i believe that you will hate yourself. and i believe that there will be days when the knife or the pill seem like all you have left. but i also know that you will be given the option to jump, and you won’t. and i know this because i know you. i know you as the girl who made a flower crown and watched the sun set, and for a moment, forgot about that anything else existed. the girl who grew herself gardens through the garbage. who cried into the sun, until the tears made the whole ocean. i know you as the person i am growing to love, and accept, even though i have grown up hating myself. even though honestly, half the time, i still do. even though my head is some kind of shattered window, and my lungs malfunction… i know you. and i just want to let you know. that even if it’s fifty years right now… someday, we’ll get a little bit closer to looking in the mirror and finally being able to tell the reflection i’m doing all right, thank you. and i don’t know how long that’s going to take get there. maybe a whole lifetime. but we will get there. i promise you.


this started out as a really sad vent poem i came up with while i was walking titled, for obvious reasons, “didn’t you?” and to be honest, i don’t know how it turned into something else. but it did, somehow. but this happened. i might turn it into a spoken word sometime soon, if i feel up to it? i found some really good royalty-free music for it, and i’m starting to get into spoken word again.


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lonely nights, which are slightly better with sweaters and radio (spoken word!)

i wasn’t really feeling up to it, so i took a break for the month of august and just let myself stick to written poetry. but, well, a couple nights ago, i was feeling up to it, so i finally did something i’ve been wanting to do for a long time–i set a poem to music! it’s from danosongs.com and it’s one of my better recordings, if i do say so myself. 🙂

check out the text to this poem here. (add link when post is published.)

trigger warning for discussion of self-harm.