this is me

this is me. and if you don’t like it, i will not be remaking myself in your image because i’ve been there. and i’ve done that. and honestly, fuck you. this is what i was meant to be. 

this is me. and i am not a toy. i am not yours to torment. i’ve wasted enough of my life being someone else’s puppet.

this is me. and i’m not your disney princess. i’m not your token dramatic teen with mental illness.

this is me, and yeah. sometimes, i have two anxiety attacks in one school day. or i close the bathroom door and fight the urge to fade away. and i fall apart. and i make so many mistakes.

but where were you, when i made tapestries out of my broken pieces? when i somehow found the strength to pull myself out of this darkness?  this is every part of me that refused to be silenced. 

this is me. this is writing at 1a.m., or sobbing uncontrollably.  this is the stubborn determination to do it anyway

this is hope. despite the inferno on my hands, and the freezing cold. this is the first beam of sunlight, warming my skin after all these years alone. and maybe, maybe, maybe this is what it feels like to finally come home.

This poem is based off the song “This is Me” from the movie The Greatest Showman, a song that’s been really influential to me in the past couple months. I don’t know if it’s good or not, but honestly I just needed to write it and share it with the world. 

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september 1st, 2019

and i’m walking home, just a little after sunset. and it’s the kind of day where i can’t help but think that maybe someday, i’ll be free of this. or maybe someday, i’ll at least know how to manage it. maybe someday i won’t have dreams, i’ll have goals, and goals will be real. and my thoughts will be known. and maybe someday i won’t feel like such an idiot for having hope. maybe i can do something in the world. and maybe someday, all of this will be distant. and my lungs will be clear. and… maybe someday, i’ll be able to really say that i’m happy. and even if every day in my life is only ever spent just working towards being all right like that, it will have been worth it. all this pain, and suffering, and stepping of shards of glass and nights spent crying alone. because it’s the kind of day where you try to breathe, but it’s so hard not to feel alone. the kind of day where you just want to run and hide from everything you’ve ever known. and every time you look ahead, the trail feels just a little longer. and the shadows just a little taller. and you can’t help but feel alone. and you can’t breathe, as the sky unfolds above you. but somehow, you find it in you to let go.

this took so ridiculously long to write and edit and stuff. im so glad it’s finished now.

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