loneliness is a messy bedroom

smooth the paints onto the palette with a butter knife. deep breath. let the blinding shades of pink slowly drown you. you’ve created a monster, haven’t you?

deep breath. pick up your paintbrush. and with trembling fingers, dip it in your strange amalgamation colours.

close your eyes. think of a picture. think of the bloodbaths in your mind; the jellybean oceans rising higher and higher… deep breath. press the brush to the canvas.

keep your lines straight and clean. gather up your mistakes on a sheet of scrap paper. ignore your texts as they come in.

and you don’t remember; when the tears started falling. but maybe it doesn’t matter. so just mix it all together, as you cry yourself an ocean of oversaturated colours…

rip apart the canvas, wheatgrass stalks of hesitation whispering through your traitorous hands. don’t listen.

look those carnivorous waves, with their drooling currents and gnashing tides. meet them right in the eye. take one last, deep breath….

lie down on the sand. and surrender yourself.


I’m introverted. I have social anxiety. And since we’re in the middle of a global pandemic, even though where I live restrictions are starting to loosen–it’s not like I’m going to school every day or something. For the most part, I’m just stuck in my room, which is kind of what it was like even before lockdown anyhow.

In theory, sure, I could go for bike rides or walks to places outside of my tiny suburban neighborhood. I could try new things–it’s not like there isn’t plenty of stuff I could safely do, in theory. For God’s sake, I could do anything other than spinning around on my little mental hamster wheel for days on end.

But, of course, I don’t do any of those things. Because honestly, it feels like… too much effort. Because I “don’t have the time”, or whatever other lies I try to tell myself.

But at the end of the day, the truth is… I’m scared. I always have been. And I’m tired. I’m so fucking tired. Because most days, all of my energy goes toward just barely surviving–cooking and cleaning and working, rinse and repeat. Not a lot of room left for hobbies, or having any kind of life, actually.

I’m trying to take it in baby steps, though. One scary thing at a time. I’m tired of my world being this myopic. Which is progress in its own way, I suppose.

Lots of love,

dragonwritesthings

02/25/2020

In this episode, I talk nervous habits, growing up with anxiety, feeling alone and the value of having a community.

Need to talk to anyone? Find a crisis line in your area here: https://www.suicidestop.com/call_a_hotline.html

Music: https://www.purple-planet.com

“Mimos Menguados” is from patrickdeartegea.com  and has also been edited by me.

Songs are “Reflection” and “Leave Without Me.” Both of these songs have been edited by me.

All sound effects made by yours truly! 🙂

The next episode will be dropping next Friday, 9a.m. PDT–make sure to subscribe/follow/add this podcast to your library/enable notifications on it to be notified when it comes out.

Find me on all my internet places here: https://linktr.ee/dragonwritesthings

And find this podcast all over the web here: https://linktr.ee/sonnetsofateenagewannabe

hands

it’s been a long three months. or whatever.

and every day, i tell myself that i can’t take it anymore, and yet somehow i manage to. and it makes me want to cry, but i guess… there’s a certain kind of power in that too. that you didn’t break. even when you wanted to.

and i miss everything about seeing you. miss dancing around your kitchen like idiots, and finding dumb things to investigate on the internet. and finally understanding what the books meant, when they said i felt infinite. because you made me happy. even if only for a moment.

and i miss your hands. holding onto mine. even when i hated myself. even when i couldn’t stop crying. i miss doing the same for you.

miss not being afraid like this. because at this point, i can’t even remember what normal is. and i’m not totally sure that i want to.

but i do know… that you made me feel safe. in a way i don’t think facetime calls will ever truly replace. and i just… i really fucking miss you.


Ah yes, another lonely social distancing poem. I did not intend to write about this stuff as much as I am, but I guess it’s one of the only ways I honestly know to cope right now. I know I probably shouldn’t be letting myself think about this much, but I’ve been… thinking about the future of late, even if it’s bad for me. About if I’m ever going to go back to even some semblance of normal, or if the world is. I mean, I know, I’m probably just being melodramatic and stuff, but it’s still a scary thought. That this could be my life. And that what’s happening now isn’t going to define me, sure… but I also don’t think I’ll ever forget about it either. You know what I mean? Every time I think about things going back to normal, my brain instantly goes into anxiety mode.

I feel guilty for things that we’re allowed to be doing in  my area–like, even though right now we’re allowed to double the amount of people we’re in contact with, all I can think is that in other places, things are worse, and then I kinda start thinking about “maybe I shouldn’t leave the house at all” and then… yeah, it all goes downhill from there. Schools are reopening in June, and I guess… yeah, that’s a thing. I don’t know how I feel about that, or what I’m going to do. Honestly, I feel like school is going to be stressful as hell, and probably won’t stop reminding us about coronavirus literally ever–it’s just a hunch, but with my experiences with the school system, I would bet money that they’ll be making us write essays about this, and stuff like that–when all I want to do, all I need to do to survive this, is forget about it, until it’s far enough passed that I know how to deal with it.

My current plan is to sort of gradually expose myself to the environment and stuff–my therapist thinks that’s a good idea, anyway. Spend some time on campus, just reading on the field or something, and then maybe walk around before anyone gets there, and then try and catch up with one of my teachers for ten minutes, or something like that–since not maybe people will probably be there, and in that regard, I guess it is a pretty good opportunity to deal with my crippling social anxiety.

Anyhow, I guess what I’m trying to get at here is… things have been really lonely of late. And although I’m trying not to focus on it, sometimes those feelings just sort of peek out, and I guess this poem was my best attempt at processing that.

But I have to believe, for the sake of my sanity, that I will somehow manage to make it through. Just like I always do.

 

01/14/2020


In this episode, I talk the mundanity of routine, imposter syndrome, snow, feeling hopeless, and coping with social anxiety at school.

Need to talk to anyone? Find a crisis line in your area here: https://www.suicidestop.com/call_a_hotline.html

All sound effects made by yours truly! 🙂

The next episode will be dropping next Friday, 9a.m. PDT–make sure to subscribe/follow/add this podcast to your library/enable notifications on it to be notified when it comes out.
Find me on all my internet places here: https://linktr.ee/dragonwritesthings

And find this podcast all over the web here: https://linktr.ee/sonnetsofateenagewannabe

Okay! Music credits, here we go!
“Mimos Menguados” from patrickdeartegea.com
“1st Sonata – Snowy Stars” from patrickdeartegea.com
“SOLO ACOUSTIC GUITAR” by Jason Shaw, which is found here (https://freemusicarchive.org/music/Jason_Shaw/Audionautix_Acoustic/SOLO_ACOUSTIC_GUITAR_3-11) and used according to this license (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/us/)
“Alone” Music: https://www.purple-planet.com

***ALL TRACKS HAVE BEEN EDITED BY ME***

Thanks to all these amazing artists for putting out their work royalty free, it really helps in creating independent shows like this one.