lighter fluid

drown it in whisky. i’m bored of this toxic cycle, of this endless stream of words; love letters addressed to nobody. so bring out the lighter, and worship the growing flame. i hope the ash buries you. i hope the sky turns grey.

i want to watch the cities burn, i want to watch the stars flake off like old paint. because i don’t know, it’s pretty, in a morbid kind of way. and once you start, you just can’t stop, and pretty soon i’m lying awake at 12:32a.m., wondering where the hell i went wrong.

pretty soon, i’m waking up with frost on my fingertips and watching teen rom coms all day, because god, i wish my life could be like that; bursting in colour, with a vibrant cast of characters, and sure we fight sometimes, but in the end we all love each other.

and i try so fucking hard, you know that? to be good, and smart, and strong; your golden little catastrophe. i read the warning signs, and i followed the directions, and i don’t get it. this wasn’t supposed to happen to me.

i thought i was better. i thought i could do this. which is arrogant, and stupid. so watch me douse this whole mess in lighter fluid, and set it ablaze. because it’s a cold december morning, and i have to burn something, okay?

don’t hurt yourself

that’s what they tell me. sprawled on the floor, scrolling aimlessly. because in this world, so many people are beautiful, and perfect, and how could ever i hold a candle to that? honestly.

because i haven’t eaten. and i forgot to sleep. so my eyes are scooped-out hollows, my wrists are this close to giving out the ghost. but i’m so far away, you know? and, in the end, it’s all right. because this is my body, my life. i can set it in fire, if i like. and what are you going to do?

hold my hand? and whisper gently, oh, baby, you’re going to be fine. you can breathe, all right. just listen to me.., because i love you, i really do… and i’d do anything to make you happy

but my mind is a tired machine. but my lungs are deflated balloons. but my mind is a smoking train wreck, and sometimes, i survive the collision. but sometimes, you find my body, in the charred remains. and the doctors say there’s nothing you can do.

but i’ll pick myself up. and dust off the bullet wound, like i always do. wrap myself up, in a singed, cardigan. because you don’t have a clue.

but maybe someday, it’ll get better. maybe things will work out. but… right now, i’m just lost. and sad. and really confused.

October: the Month In Photography

I took this the morning of September 29th–I know, not technically October.

But for the purpose of this post, let’s just call it that! I always fog up the bathroom after I shower, and have to open the window up afterwards, which is totally preventable, but I do it anyway, because I’m tired–and because I forget.

I love watching the steam pour out the window, and seeing the rays of sun pour in.

As the last of summer fades, I like to go on walks right as the sun sets.

(Partially because seven o’clock is a convenient time for me, but still.) It just feels… really peaceful, I don’t know.

Around October 5th, the leaves begun to drop.

I took this on the same walk as the picture above, for context, and I thought the spindly branches looked super creepy!

I have a very love-hate relationship with autumn weather.

I mean, I get to wear sweaters, which is always a plus, but also, if I want to go walking, I have to get my life together before 6:30; since by October 11th, that’s when the sun was starting to go down. Which, even though I get up at eight, is really when my brain is starting to wake up? So for me, autumn means a lot of late-night walks with my mom. It’s freezing cold, and usually kind of rainy, but you get to see the city lights, and take vaguely spooky pictures, so it’s worth it.

I’ve been having trouble with school of late.

Not in the academic sense. I’m on top of all my courses; but I’m only doing it by the force of sheer terror. I don’t know why I care, I don’t know what the point of any of this is, and honestly… of late, I’ve just been feeling really depressed. I might not feel anxious to the degree I did before, but this kind of lonely hopelessness… well, it’s a different kind of torture. And sometimes, I just come home and cry, because it all feels… pointless. And performative. And fake. And, yeah, that’s been hard–because depression is scary, and because I don’t have the time to feel this way. I have a job, I have writing, I have so many tasks constantly up in the air, and no matter how hard I work, it never feels… good enough. As I write this, it’s only October 16th, but it feels like it’s been years since school started.

It’s been a really weird week.

I’ve been okay. I guess. At least, I’m more functional, and I finished another one of my courses–so, uh, one less course until I graduate? God, I don’t know.

I saw a friend, who for reasons, hasn’t been able to see me since August. It was really good. Sometimes, you just kinda miss someone for so long that you just get used to it. And you forget, how good it feels to just see someone in person. I don’t know when I’ll get to see her again–probably not until Christmas. But it was something; a tiny vestige of how things used to be.

I’ve been staying up, later and later. Watching TV for way too long, and putting off doing any meaningful work, which hasn’t been great. But I don’t really know what to do about it. So I’m just… trudging along, I gess, through this weird fog in my head.

Oh, yeah! I’m not trick or treating or anything, because COVID; but I am hanging out with a singular friend! We might string up a pinata in the backyard, and have a nicer-than-usual dinner or something. I’m excited! I’m gonna dress up as Rosie the Riveter for Halloween, by the way. So, uh, that’s neat I guess. (Also, inexpensive. Did I mention inexpensive?)

I’ve been going back to my roots, of late.

Thinking about the person I used to be, two years ago. If you’re older than almost-15 and reading this, you’re probably going to laugh… but I feel so old, these days. I can’t believe time has passed so quickly. I feels so old. Wasn’t it just yesterday, I was scared of the tall, invincible teen girl with earbuds in as she crossed the street. And now, I am that girl. But I’m not anywhere near invincible. (And I think I’m only around 5’7.) I’ve been writing lots of journal entries, and taking tons of photos, and going on long walks through the woods.

I feel like I’m entering a new phase of my life, right now. And as it stands, I”m not quite sure what that means. Both personally, and writing-wise.

But I’ll figure it out. There’s no rush. I have to remind myself of that, a lot.

It’s okay, to take things slowly.

I’m not running out of time.

it has to get better

you are the crash. and you are the burn. you are hypnotic blankets, you are the monochrome sun, watching as the world burns.

you are the snap, and the crackle, and the pop. you’re fine one moment and the next… you’re not.

your heart pounds. and you think you’re giving up. you have wanted nothing more in your life than for this. to. stop.

***

i will wake up to the drone of my alarm. and i will lie in bed, for what could be a few minutes. or what could be hours on end.

i will crawl out onto the floor. scroll through my phone, and always leave wanting more.

i will stare in the mirror, maybe just a little dizzy. i will make a mental list, of all the parts of myself i should probably fix. but i’m busy, busy, busy…

so i will put on a nice dress. i will ignore the dying tulips; the wilting rosemary out back. i will stare out the window on the ride to school. and i will do my best not to notice the crack of lighting down my skull. like a discount heart attack.

but it won’t last forever. right? i mean, it has to it has to it has to get better


This piece is very experimental, and maybe a bit weird, but I was in a pretty weird place when I wrote it. (Around mid-September, I think.) I was going through withdrawal symptoms, as I very poorly went off my meds. (Because apparently you shouldn’t just go cold turkey on a medication you’ve been taking for over a year, after halving your dose for two days. Who would have thought?!)

I’ve never experienced side effects, or any kind of withdrawal from medication. So although I knew it was technically a possibility, I didn’t think it would happen to me. But it did. The symptoms lasted about two weeks, but it was one of the hardest, longest, strangest two weeks I’ve ever had.

It plunged me into depression, for most of that time period. I got dizzy whenever I stood up, my mind was slow and sluggish–which absolutely drove me insane–and about every five seconds, these weird zaps went through my whole body–a bit like shivering, but if you shivered in your brain too, and your heart started pounding. Honestly, the scariest thing was that I couldn’t find good information from a medical professional on what I was supposed to do, or when this would stop–and for a while, I didn’t even realize what it was. Even once I did, I was too ashamed to tell anyone for a bit.

I had no idea when it was going to end, if this was messing up my brain long term, and I just felt so out of control. Eventually, I owned up to the fact I had gone off my meds wrong, and asked my mom to talk to a pharmacist, and a few days after that, I started to feel a little bit better.

So, in conclusion kids: do lots of research, talk to your pharmacist before you go off your meds, not just your family doctor on a phone appointment, in which his cell reception was so bad you could only make out every fifth word. (Although, to be safe, you should probably do that too.)

Lots of love,

dragonwritesthings

i hope you win.

oh, you burning child prodigy. with your long, spindly fingers, slamming down on piano keys. an empty auditorium; nights without sleep.

oh, you technicolour fever dream. oh, blemishes and bruises, blooming on my skin. stretch marks and scars; my neverending sin…

oh, you masterpiece in hiding. slowly crumbling to the floor. you desperate atonement, you don’t have to hide anymore.

oh, bonfire girl. oh, shattered violin. you dutiful daughter, you loyal friend, you perfect little nightmare.

i hope you win.