phoenix

trigger warning: lots of anxiety, desire to escape

i’m so scared that this is the moment i realize it’s a dream & start falling. i’m so so scared that this is the moment it all sort of shatters in front of me. & i’m just sort of standing here, and my hands are shaking, and there are tears dribbling off my cheeks like the beginning of a waterfall, and i swear the heat is melting me. & i can’t think. & i can’t do this. & i can’t breath. & i’m scared i’ll hurt you all the time. & there’s a scene in the harry potter movies where harry’s eyes kinda roll back in his head, because voldemort has taken over, and that’s how i feel all the time. like someone else is holding my hands. some monster, something you’ve never met. & i’m so scared, because it’s complicated and it’s messy & the darkness is slow as it creeps in like a cancer and begins to spread. & i think i did something wrong, but i don’t know what, and the anxiety is messy all around me leaves the world in shattered pieces. & if i ever hurt you, please let me know, because i don’t want to be trapped, & i don’t want to be caged inside myself about to let go. & i’m just whispering over & over to myself expecto patronum because it makes me feel strong. & powerful. like the version of myself i am when i’m with you is strong enough to outlast all the rest, and the thing i don’t want you to know if that i’m not always kind and i’m not always perfect and deep down i am a good person but not if the hurt you have inflicted on me is buried so deep into my skin it’s hard to understand, let alone deal with. my schedule is so full it could explode in front of me, and then the dementor would come and suck out my soul, and then there’d be nothing left but a body. the realization that i can make mistakes is a black hole, sucking and never stopping inside me. and it’s hard to explain, because mental illness is smeared ink all across my history, but let me try: let me tell you how every mistake has been the place they strike. let me tell you how every mistake has become a crippling scar, an injury. let me tell you that i’ve never really been a kid. and i’ve never really been safe inside my own skin. and every flaw is where the panic and the pain and the anger seeps in, and i’ve been sealing up holes and leaky pieces for eons now and i don’t know what i’m doing, but it’s hard to breathe and can my scraps of self-compassion just be enough to get me through the night and can i just stop burning and finally get to the part where i’m not caged in my own skin & i rise? can i get past the pain and run through the finish line?


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announcements and youtube

hello universe! how are you doing? i hope you’re doing better than i am.

i’ve been struggling a lot with getting enough sleep, which has led to a whole bunch of other stuff. i’ve been checking things a lot and having a lot of compulsions, which really sucks, not to mention that my brain generally associates exhaustion with depression. in terms of poetry, that makes my worst days really productive… but in terms of my mental health, it’s horrible. yesterday, i honestly felt like my brain was just slowly melting away. i’ve been having a lot of intrusive thoughts, and because it’s been so hard to sleep it means my brain is less likely to be able to dispute them. often it feels like my brain is being yanked out of my skull by someone else. like i’m only barely in control of myself. i’m trying to sleep more, but honestly, late nights are a huge refuge for me, and for a couple hours when my brain is silent and everything is peaceful and easy. which means i’m usually up until around midnight, and when i usually get woken up at seven, that means i’m only get seven hours of sleep when i’m supposed to be getting nine. and then i feel terrible the next day, and the cycle continues. i’m trying to deal with it, and i know at some point i’ll feel better… i’m just not sure when that someday is going to come around.

another thing that’s really been bugging me is the summer break. as you can tell, i’m making a major effort to keep myself busy and stimulated at all times. normally, summer is when my anxiety gets at its worst, because there’s a complete lack of schedule. i end up stuck in my house for hours on end, desperately trying to escape the tick-tock of my head. i’m really determined to not let that happen this year. but i’m also scared that it is going to happen. that’s part of why i’m making this massive of an effort to overwork myself. it helps to have something to put your mind to; otherwise i just spin around in circles indefinitely.

like i said above, i hope that you’re doing better than i am, but if you need to talk to anyone, here’s a masterlist of international crisis lines for you. ❤

so, on a more technical note, i have suddenly realized how simple it is to make a basic youtube video with a pretty looking cover photo. so from now on, i’m going to be posting youtube videos whenever i have enough time to do a spoken word recording, which is given i’m on summer break, probably about once a week. i’ll probably set up a regular posting system sometime later on, but right now honestly i’m wanting to give myself some time to figure out the whole youtube thing. after that, i’ll work out a posting day and i’ll probably post once a week, or something like that. over the summer, i’m gonna try and get into spoken word a lot, both online and offline, so expect a lot more spoken word in the future. if you want to check out my youtube channel, you can either click the youtube icon at the top of my blog or do that here. i’ve posted two videos as i write this on my youtube, and you can listen by using the below videos. 🙂

hopefully, there are more videos soon to come. 🙂

in case you missed it, i have three stories on wattpad now, all of which are steadily gaining readership. you can read them here, here, and here. 🙂

also! poems went up today! yay! read them here, here, here, here, and here. hope you like them. 🙂

big hug and deep breath,

dragonwritesthings

and maybe i have a chance

trigger warning: mention of suicidal thoughts and self-harm, but in the context of no longer wanting them

at around 7:59 when the air smells like flowers and i’m all alone and it’s still light i like to think about it like she tells me to, with that voice like my life is a map i’ve only just started to unwind, and i don’t know when exactly it happens but i imagine myself like a flower, curled up so tight into a ball because i was so scared of being blinded by the sun and the idea of coming out made my heart pound, but someday i’ll come out. and i like to think that someday it’ll be beautiful. and i like to think she’s right. and i’ll be all right. and i’m worth people’s time and it’s ok to be soft even though my whole childhood was spent hurting myself on purpose and when i look in the mirror every muscle in my body curls in like a scared turtle and the stains of the things that have been said are making my skin look purple and i don’t think you understand that the little words are grenades sending fissures through me making so hazy and i want to sleep so fucking badly but i’m scared the darkness will consume me and i’m scared of what my brain does when i pinch myself again so tired so tired so tired i push myself over the edge again and no wait i’m trying to hold myself rather than jumping but sometimes my skin on my skin makes my skin start crawling and no wait i’m trying to hold on and i’m trying and i’m trying and i’m trying so hard and i’m standing in the middle of the sky and it’s all emptied out and the sunset is it just me it looks so much like it’s bleeding red and it looks so much like it’s dying on the inside but i could be wrong and my life is the music playing at a party and i’m trying to dance. but i’ve actually never been to a party, so mostly i’m just mouthing the words to this song trying to calm the hot-glue burn of the things i shouldn’t have said. and i’m trying to accept my past self as anything more than a scar lashed across my skin. and i’m going to do this. i’m broken wire remoulding myself. i’m lines of code that keep spitting out answers and some of them are wrong. some of them are wrong. some of them are wrong. and as the sunset traces its way over the horizon, i think i’m learning how to do this. i think tomorrow might actually exist, and maybe i’m not going to die, and maybe my thoughts can be quantified and maybe you’ll understand and maybe i’m not going to die. and maybe i can figure this out. and maybe i have a chance.


keywords: alone, poetry about loneliness, empty, i feel so empty, i feel empty, i feel like nothing, i feel so worthless, i feel hopeless, mental health stories, mental health, mental illness battle, poetry blogs, mental health blogs, best poetry blogs, goldfish and the microphone, goldfish & the microphone, g&tm, G&TM, popular poetry blogs, long poetry, free write poetry, long poem, free write poem, my poetry, amazing poetry, beautiful poetry, emerging writers, emerging poet, talented poets, most talented poets, best poets, poetry about self-harm, poetry about compulsions, poetry about feeling hopeless, i feel hopeless, how do i overcome my compulsions, poetry about emotional ghosts, poetry about feeling scared, poetry about feeling alone, poetry about ghosts, best poetry about ghosts, best free write poetry, best long poems

the first time i eat lunch in front of other people

trigger warning: insecurity, body image issues, fear of abandonment

does my body disgust you? does the humanness of needing to eat three meals a day disgust you? do you notice, how awkward i am when i talk and i laugh and i dodge out of arguments and can all of this just stop now it’s too much to breath through? and does it make your skin crawl? does it make you want to leave me because i am scared you want to leave me. i am scared i am not enough for me. am i just. not. good enough for you. now that i’m human am i. just. too. much for you. now that i’m not perfect. now that i am the vegan. i am the one who’s different. i know i am weird. please. don’t think i’m an idiot. the scribbled edges of my skin blur and it’s hard to breathe again. i’m a messy drawing. i’m six years old again. ii’m a mess of screams stuffed back into the cardboard box. is it all right if i start bleeding? is it all right if my hands are shaking? is it all right, that the compulsions are curled up in my chest they are monsters, about to creep in? i’m sorry, i too wish i didn’t have a body. i am a crumpled piece of paper, and all i’m trying to do is smooth myself out in front of you, except my brain is screaming, and you feel like wilting flowers in my fingers, and it takes me a moment to realize that you aren’t going to leave me because it feels like you’re going to leave me because it feels like everything is going to leave me because my stomach is so empty, and i don’t want you to see that when i get home i gorge on everything like the void cares about being fed. i am clinging onto you like lifelines, and i hate that. i am not a robot, but i want to be, because i can’t do this tonight, or tomorrow, or the next day. i am not a robot, and the pressure of this is so heavy, and it feels like it’s about to shatter me, and it could just be that i’m tired and i’m thirsty but i think i need to run away and i can’t think clearly. and i can’t stop typing, because if you’re reading this please take it from me: do not starve yourself of what you want more than anything in an attempt to stop needing, because you do realize that every time i left myself in the dark of my mind, it only made me more empty, and pain is not something anyone can ever stop feeling, and i feel like someone went into my mind and kind of ruined everything, and then i realize someone is me, and then i realize the monster is me. my compulsions are strangling me. i think maybe i can’t do this because i want to hide from the burning pressure of your eyes. i am standing at the edge of this cliff and it feels like every small autumn breeze is trying to bury me. i’m still learning how to be a person. i’m still learning how to be a friend but it’s difficult because i think you have to leave yourself to do that. and i’m still learning how to escape the desperation and the loneliness, and every single internal storming ocean. and i’m trying, and i’m making progress. i just. need. a moment. but i still hope that’s all right. is that all right? do you still want me?


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oh god

trigger warning: oodles and oodles of social anxiety, mentions of compulsively picking at yourself, self-hatred, use of blood as a metaphor

and i’m like hey and / anxiety is like / is my hair a flyaway mess today / is my skin covered in scabs i gouged out of myself hoping to dull the water of constant worry / do i smell sweaty because i have been running from my nightmares since the moment i woke up today / can they tell that this is the cardigan i wore yesterday / can they tell i feel like i’m drowning inside my own body / and then i’m like / oh my god is someone gonna judge me /  is someone gonna think i’m crazy / is someone going to punch me / is someone gonna hate me / is someone going to make me hate me / is someone going to laugh at me / am i alone in the world / do they think i’m crazy / oh my god is someone gonna shatter the fragile layer of seran wrap covering up the cracks in my resolve to fix myself / can you see the numbness in my eyes / the bruises on my thighs i inflict upon myself / the nights without sleeping enough / oh god i’m sorry / and then anxiety is like / god you’re a mess / god you need to fix yourself / don’t be so much of a mess / dumping your feelings on others like their hearts are disposable / god you’re such a manipulator / learn to listen a little better / except i can’t listen because anxiety is like / what if i make a mistake today / what if i trip and fall down another sinkhole it’ll take months to dig myself out of / my brain splattered with bloodstains / and i’m like / don’t be stupid / you’re smarter than you were then / you’re smart enough not to make someone else think you’re stupid / smart enough not to cry / smart enough not to let them in / the worry is sanding my hope away / is this shirt pretty / oh god / i’ve been worrying too much now i’ll be sweaty / do my thighs look weird / i am the awkwardest kind of curvy / does it matter anyway? / could you just fucking give me a list of everything that will make you hate me / and then i’m hiding in the bathroom because this conversation was too scary / and then anxiety is like / do i look naive / do i sound naive / do i look immature / do i look fat / do i look ugly / is someone judging me / can anyone see how i’m looking around trying to understand / everybody around me / trying to jump into your head so i can reassure myself i am not alone in this no matter how much it feels that way / because it feels that way / i just want someone who notices me / and then anxiety is like / oh god that’s the fifth time i’ve used the wrong word today / wait what if they actually like me / but they like the wrong me / but they like the fake me / oh my god do i want friends / do i want them to actually like me / am i trying too hard / am i trying too little / is my hair frizzy / is there someone who spends the seconds i am gone laughing at me / like i laugh at people some days / not because i hate them just because / just because / it’s just teasing / just because it makes me feel a little more okay / i should chill out / i should be calm / i should be a better person / i should be okay / and then i’m hiding behind a library bookshelf peeking out at a world i cannot participate in / and i’m like / i don’t want to be teased / i don’t want to be unnoticed / i want to be perfect / i want to be everything / oh god what do you say when i’m / gone oh god / i’m breathing too fast / shaking little / flimsy tree branches / for arms / cut-and-pasted / fragments of a personality / scrambled around like one of those smoothies / and then anxiety is like / do i need to eat less / am i disgusting / do i make your days worse by being in them / am i a horrible person i feel like a horrible person / i am so fucking sorry give me a second my brain is screaming / except when i close my eyes all i feel is the presence of another person burning into me / why the hell aren’t you breathing / the alone is driving me crazy / my arms are shaking / like there’s something in my soul / that’s breaking / you asked / why i like writing / & i told you / it’s the only part of me that knows how to scream without hurting anybody / and then i’m staring in a mirror and i’m like / oh god am i gonna be too weak to bear the burden of today / oh god am i gonna break / i am balancing buckets of water on my shoulders wondering when the tipping point will slam into me and shatter all these remnants of my broken dreams / oh god / can i even listen to you / without collapsing / i’m a weak brick building three centuries old / all i needed to fall apart / was your hand / and all it needed to do / was touch me


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