ok. you win. you melted me down into a ball of hope for the things i may never have and the dreams i can’t stop dreaming and the hope. the hope that keeps unfolding through my mind like one of those. foldable fortune tellers we used to make in elementary school when the future was small enough we could fit it on a single piece of paper tossing away moments, mostly so we could laugh as they hit the water. ok. you win. because you have melted me down into tears that come on quiet and silently. tears, it takes me a moment to find the reason for i just didn’t realize how empty i was for the kind of love that’s enough until i met the absence of it. so you win. against all my doubts, you win. so that means you get to wear the quiet medal that you made me miss something i’ve never really touched only stared at from a distance watching the horizon grow further and further away from me. ok. you win. that means you get to say that for a second, even if it was only a second, your flaws didn’t matter; the lip gloss and the cliches twisted into pretty new outfits the too-neat endings didn’t matter because i can feel a small, small, remnant of something deeper. something like inside jokes and buried treasure. like not laughing to hide the angry and everything being okay again. like all the bruises of today and the scratches of tomorrow and the screaming matches of yesterday are gone, not even in a romantic way, and for a second i can breathe. like for a second there’s enough of me left to forgive you. enough of me left to hold this small part of the world together. and i still am not the kind of person who knows the encouraging thing to say, but if i just say hello, will you say, hey?
yay! a spoken word recording! if you have any requests for more audio recordings for poems that have already appeared on this blog, please drop me a comment with your request, and i’ll consider it. (note: CONSIDER does not mean i will do your bidding on demand. i will CONSIDER it. after all, i still have a ferocious poet mystique to deal with.)
just clumps of people. drifting through space and time together. mouths trying to jump across the void between us, trying to breathe in time with each other’s unsteady lungs. eyes: hoping any of this matters. hearts: leaning into each other.
poetry about friendship, poetry blogs to follow, beautiful emotional poetry, poetry about relationships, poetry about not being alone, poetry about love, poets on the internet, poetry blogs, beautiful emotional poetry, poetry about relationships, poetry about stars, poetry about astronomy, poetry about the universe, poetry about human nature, cosmic poetry
a true story of love loss heartbreak whatever-fancy-words-you-want-to-call it etc.
the problem / with beautiful / is that it always ends / & i’m standing here after you closed the door behind you / said you were going to work / waiting for a chance to say goodbye / my fingers brushing against the white enamel / waiting for a chance to continue the storyline / the problem is eventually everything you love / is going to stop / eventually all these records / are going to rot into the ground / all these books / won’t be remembered / all our skeletons / will be beyond / preservation / eventually / nothing will be forever / eventually / all these houses we called home / will turn to dust / & i know / that’s a trillion years away / i know how long we have before the sun explodes / i know it’s not something i have to worry about / but it / will / happen / think about that don’t / think about that. // i know when you interview me / you act like / you’re trying to sort my personality into neat little columns / so i can see myself but in a different font with the contrast / up / i know when i talk about it it makes so much sense to say three words / it’s always three words / i / am / sad / i / am / angry / i / am / in / love / i / am / happy / but it’s not that simple / there are scabs / scattered across my face / even though i can’t / get / it / perfect / even though / saying hello makes me cringe / at this mess of a person i’ve become & / by mess / i mean i feel like a rearrangement of / broken mirrors / i feel like / a kind of rearrangement of / dead plants / got pulled up by the roots / when you look into the mirror really / really close / all the flaws appear / all the skin / keeps turning into a monster’s / i mean i’m not perfect / i mean my cheeks are the battlefields my anxiety likes to have its bloodbath skirmishes across i mean / if i were younger / or a boy / or just / prouder / happier / confident-er / didn’t care / didn’t yearn for love like rapunzel / wants to know / what dirt / feels like / like the little mermaid / wants to walk on the beaches / rather than swimming in the water / & i went to school with hair that makes me look like a wild thing with battlefields on my forehead / it would probably seem a lot better / a lot easier / a lot better / a lot easier / a lot prettier / prettier / prettier / when i look in the mirror / all the flaws circle themselves in red pen / & then in highlighter / it’s a sunny day / & the misshapen leaves have this way of glowing green after the snow / & i’m only feeling somewhat unexhausted / because i drank coffee / i am like a textbook case of / how anger / drives you crazy / like living with your own torturer / she / had a point here / i feel like one of those dancers / getting raised up in the air / spin around / spin around little / pretty bird / i mean / even if i gave you / half my effort / like effort was water / i could bathe you in / i don’t feel like it would matter / not really / i want to talk / with you / except / i don’t think anyone else wants / me to / i feel so / aimless / sometimes / & by aimless i don’t mean / i didn’t know / where to fire i mean / i fired / & now i’m sort of floating in the air / wondering / if i could go back / scared of the posters on the doors / i run out of the building sometimes / & it feels like / there were these wings / folded up / on my back / i never noticed before / never felt before / i’m wondering how to distinguish between / hungry / & fed up / how to distinguish between / exhausted / & burnt out / wondering / if sleeping / really makes anything better anyway wondering / why / i can’t / treat myself / any better knowing / the answer / what i really mean / is i’m like a little kid asking their parents why / they have to eat / this stupid asparagus / asking their parents / why they have to do this / knowing that talking to you is like talking into a wall of concrete & expecting it to understand you you / knowing / it won’t make a difference / the problem with this book / is i open it when it’s 3a.m. in my heart & i’m screaming at myself for being like this thinking it’s an effective gardening technique / to kill all your weeds / to kill all your plants / & now your backyard is this wasteland you don’t know how to navigate / & it’s starting to rain / & now you’re stranded in the middle of your own website / except you’re not really stranded / you know how to swim across the ocean / you just wish / that yelling it made people more inclined / to listen / & / hanging my head like / a hemlock / in the process of falling / telling you / this battle is over / is like / dipping your toes into / melting hot water / moving / inch by inch / struggling to believe / those inches will someday turn into kilometres / the problem / with beautiful / is that i’m reading this book / falling in love with you / crying inside every time / you do / i’m reading this book remembering / what peace / is remembering / what love is remembering / what it looks like to have dreams / that we learned how to cup in our hands / like bathwater / for years without a single drop / slipping away / & then / i sort of flip / to part three / & now i’m starting to cry / because i just pulled up a bunch of dead kale / & chard / & lettuce / & then called this / march / called it / marching / called it making way for the new / called it springtime / but really what i mean / is every / pretty thing seems / to have bloodstains / on its / fingertips / & really what i mean / is i’m at part 3 / & i’m considering / not reading any further / because i know how this ends / because i know / that i’m like a moth / flying into a housefire / watching you / make flowers / only to rip them apart / petal / by / petal / falling onto the gravel / why is it / that some people / don’t deserve a happily ever after?
so yesterday there were contractor people at my house. literally, not poetically.
when i say this / i mean it / all the feelings / in my throat / go down tasting like / ink & plastic / ink & plastic / i / smell like / honey i / told myself this time i / was gonna be / worth it but / this time / is right now / and / it feels like / there’s a tsunami / rising up in my throat / i want to escape / i want to escape / i want to / close the door / behind me / when i say this / i mean it when / i talked to you / i didn’t mean it / the panic is a windstorm / kicking up the dust in my throat / the shadows / under my eyes look like / cotton-candy clouds / but i can feel myself / skidding / but i am / working too quickly to consider / stopping / my stomach / stops / spinning / i can’t / the taste of / parchment & / plastic / paper lanterns / i have no right / to be pretty / i have no right / to laugh / i have no right / to clip in flowers to my / hair i have no right / to stand here / i have no right / to close my eyes & dream the dreams you never got / i have no right to close the door / but there’s a sheen of seran wrap / covering my mouth / i’m tangled up like / a butterfly in a spider’s web / in my throat / but i / don’t / know / who / i / am / i can hear the news anchor voices now / i was supposed to come / to be interviewed / i was supposed to / come / out / come / out / my stomach feels like / a metal cage / i will live out / my days in / there’s echoes / trailing around / my basement / there’s / echoes / when i say this / i mean there are people / drilling holes into the walls / i mean there are people / with their trucks / parked in my driveway / i mean i could really use the / waterfalls in your eyes / & the smile like sunlight / on your cheeks / i mean / everything smells / like / metal i mean i / forgot how to say hello i forgot / how to say you’re welcome / i forgot how to sing without feeling the notes choke like there’s a traffic jam in my throat / my hands are / shaking i / didn’t ask / you / the questions i wanted to / the ink is settling / burning tattoos onto my / palms / when will you be gone / when will you be gone / when will you be gone / i close my eyes / i lean against the mattress / sounds of hammers at the floor / stitch myself together / carefully / music / just listen to music / & it’ll be okay / just start to cry / maybe tomorrow / it’ll hurt / a little less / air feels too / warm air / leaks into my / chest / if only you / talked like this / every single day / if only there was / proof / i was worth / this / worth / anything / bittersweet taste of / fennel on my / lips / i don’t / know how to / talk / & i wanted / to be your friend / but i guess the issue with / meeting someone on a professional basis / is that / it doesn’t last / is that / it doesn’t / stick around / forever & / i feel like i’m / choking / on myself / i feel like maybe i / said something wrong i feel / like / maybe wearing sunglasses / so i could look into your eyes without you noticing / was the wrong decision / my lungs feel like pillows / that got accidentally torn up in a battle / & i know / there are people who keep trying to drill pilot holes / in my skull just to tell me you are worthy you are worthy you are worthy / i know there are people who call me up / when it snows / to have a snowball fight / i know there are people who don’t want me to go / i know i practically framed your praise on the wall / i know i’ll hear all the things you said / in my head / but the monsters / the claptrap-clang-bang-ricocheting bullets / always seem louder / i always feel like / i said something / wrong feel like my mouth is one of those filters / they use to purify water / except instead i make sure / nothing beautiful / comes out the other end / there are / ghost sounds / echoing from the / floor / there’s a wall / between us. // there’s a wall / between / you & me / & your voice / sounds like a pillow / sounds like all the edges are / grey & smudged / there’s a bouquet of happy / all around me / but everything / smells like metal / but even this stupid bottle of celebrity / perfume / you gave me / couldn’t / make me feel pretty / couldn’t / make you / love / me / love / me / when i say / love me / i mean / i’m lonely / when i say / i’m lonely / i don’t mean / desperately / i don’t mean it / like / i need your charity / i mean it like / i’m lonely because i hate myself especially / when it seems like you’re telling me to / i mean it like / what if i got / dirt / under my fingernails / what if i wrote you / a rainstorm / why is the only place i feel safe / inside my skin / inside my room with the door closed / why do i wear clothes that make me look as much like nothing / as possible / why don’t you come home / why don’t flower clips in my hair / make you / love / me / why can’t / i stop / trying / to make you / love me… // you know / those positive / affirmations / you can pull up on the internet? // yeah. // they feel / like pieces of thread / tied to my / fingers / feel like / pieces of thread / with no one / behind them / form a / tapestry / & / i scrabble / at the rock / & let go / & they / form a / rainbow / they / fall / with me / then / would you stay / then / would i be your everything / no one is anyone’s everything / no one is anyone’s everything / now / am i / beautiful
i need to breathe i need to not feel like this… i need to not feel like i’m drowning in the color pink… my fingers are half-asleep… my throat is a bubbling explosion… tears forming icicles on my eyelashes… but i could spend the whole day with you but please don’t go but please don’t die but please don’t… words come too quickly… i can’t even breathe clearly… the sky is orange from smoke… there’s an automated message that begs me don’t go…. hold music… there’s an automated message that doesn’t respond when i talk back at it… i almost scream help me… because i don’t have much time & maybe that would make you pay attention… but i don’t… say this i mean i do talk to someone in the end… jingle bells…. music… music… the scrape of the ice against the wood slowly forms words recognizable as a radio broadcast at midnight… why do all the pretty things come out at night… music… say something… say it’s ok that i feel this way… say i’m worthwhile… the smell of melting candlewax… is it still valentines if it’s not midnight…the closest thing to love i celebrated today…was singing in the shower… this song… that’s stuck in my head … about you… about … fiction… about… fiction… because… this isn’t what love looks like to me… i smile… i can’t tell if you mean what you do i just want this day to be over because i know it doesn’t mean the truth… because i laughed along with you… but i don’t want… humor… because i laughed along with you… but i’m… so… tired… but there is…vinegar… dripping invisibly… down my cheeks… sleepwalking … valentines… jingle bells… biking through the snow which melts too quickly after the end of winter… a mess of words i can’t sort through… smell of honey… you come home late… you’re the ground… prone to earthquakes & breakouts of wildflowers… a drifting ocean of color… spam comments… but wait… don’t ask questions they’ll only change the answer… stay up later… just push yourself… a little later… i need a little longer… i need you to be a little quieter… the ripples of your lips… whisper in my ear… let me talk assume the questions are rhetorical don’t answer… bubbling… waterfall… spaghetti… boiling over… icicles like fruit hanging on my eyelashes… starlings… scratches… there’s these short little seconds i can’t stop thinking about where i feel nothing… ruin heaven on purpose don’t ask me why i do these things… maybe it’s just to prove in pain i own myself… but it isn’t owning… when you’re slipping on the ice… wind knocked out of your chest… the sky sort of bends but it doesn’t in reality i just don’t know how else to describe paralysis… like reaching out… to hold hands… with the air at a bus stop because everyone else has love… because you told me… go find love… because you… must be getting tired… too… what kind of a bedtime story is this when my brain is a summer cacophony… when my brain is a tv i’ve forgotten how to change channels on or turn off… the sound of cellos… night i’ll see you next evening…night i’ll see you later … night why can’t you give a participation award to the moon it was only trying to turn its dust into something like a star… night why can’t participation count for something… night can the stars hear it when i tell them thank you… do you know i mean it when i tell you thank you… do you know i mean it when i tell you i’m doing good but only 1 of every 10 times… night why does everything have to be statistics… night why does everything… change so quickly… night can you stay… night do you love me… night are you listening… night do you care when i fall apart… night is there a god up there… night is he looking out for me… night why do i keep getting let down in the things i beleive… night does her heart yank out of her chest for me… night did he think about sending me a candy-gram… night did he send candy-grams to anyone… night… could you tell him… that i care… night… night why does everything have to be organized… night could you tell me a story… night could you make me believe it when it ends happily… night… are you… still… listening… night… don’t… go out… on me… you’re all i’ve got to write by… night… i’m so tired… sometimes i think i always will be… night… tell me a story… from my future… this time… hey night… am i ever… going to be happy… night… are you happy…. night…. do you…. understand… how i feel… today… night… did anyone… think about sending me… candy… night… are you laughing at me… night… i’m lonely… night… depression has become a warm jacket in the middle of winter for me… night… please respond… night… right now is when i need you to start writing my story… now… night are there angels who are trying to guide me… night… is it really that pretty…. night… i’m getting cold now… shivering in the word pretty… night… can i trust you… to hold these feelings… with the utmost of confidentiality… night… i wasn’t very productive today… night… i moved the mountains of my teeth today… night… i think i’m getting sick… night… i think the whole world is getting sick… night… they just turned off their light… night… is anyone listening… is anyone reading…. night is this waitline ever gonna start ending… night… help me… night… do you love me…