casket

and then, there are the bad days. there is a crystal blue sky, and the wind beneath my wings. i don’t give a shit. i am tired, and apathetic, and cold.

and i don’t move, don’t breathe, don’t do anything at all. just sit there on the sidewalk, watching the rain fall. because my brain is like this sometimes; latching on to a turn of phrase like a dog with a bone, until there’s nothing left to give, and the blood smeared on my palms is always my own.

so paint me like a casket, strong mahogany; rotten on the inside, though. shade me soft, like the ruins of an empire that never could be. like shattered potential and spoiled wine, i’m your perfect little baby.

cast my statue in 24-carat gold, and mount my broken, strangled words on a silver platter if you want to. melt my bones like candles, and throw a party for a girl who doesn’t really exist. and i don’t know how much longer i can take this. but here we fucking go.

recovery

i think about getting better every thursday, for half an hour. i look at quotes on instagram, and take long, depressing showers, as a headache bores into my skull, with no sign of surrender.

and then… i take french lessons from a computer. i play my guitar, and i answer the phone, and i guess it all just kinda gets lost in the blur, you know?

i lie awake at night, and i entertain the concept of recovery like a fun hobby. and then wonder why my mattress smells like smoke.

i push the blame to yesterday; fall in love with a stranger and cry when they go. melt my heart with pillar candles, and watch the plastic run. just because, i suppose.

i numb my head beneath six feet of melting snow. and ten months later, when the world is dusty and dry, it’ll be better. right? i’ll wash my face, i’ll change my ways, i’ll put on some fresh clothes.

because it’s nice to entertain, you know? a crystalline fantasy, so far and yet so close. and sure my lungs are dusty black, and red, just like you. but i guess if you hurt for long enough, the mind can get accustomed to anything–because this shit is nothing new.

embryo

i never knew i could disappear so completely. keep my head down. work hard, and fast. retreat into myself; play dead if necessary.

so i let my breathing slow to nothing. answer in simple yeses and nos. don’t disagree, don’t elaborate, goodbye and hello. shove my hands in my pockets, and cross the street with my head held low.

so i lock the door, and curl up like a little embryo. i won’t make a sound, just drown myself in sharp lavender tea. live off leftovers for weeks.

i sip my coffee, and watch january waves lap against my bare feet. wear flannels and sweaters like armour, and give you just what you asked for. cardboard and sweet.

but now my fingers are callused. i tick off boxes on blue paper and cry, cry, cry, because god i miss the waiting room. but you hate the sound, of course you do.

so i shut my mouth with scotch tape. it burns a bit, and the adhesive never sticks. my lips taste like school glue.

Little victories! (Shoutout Saturday)

Hey guys! So, for this week’s Shoutout Saturday, I thought we’d do something a bit different. I’ve been having a pretty rocky time with my mental health of late, but recently I’ve been starting to (sort of) get back on my feet again. Sometimes, when you struggle with anxiety or depression, you have to celebrate the little victories–and so here are mine for this week. I’d love to hear any of yours; so feel free to let me know what you’re proud of, this year or month or week or whatever, in the comments or on social media.

Making meals ahead of time

So, this is a new development, but I’m very proud of myself for it! So, my family has always been huge on making things from scratch, because my parents are cheap and so am I, which means that I don’t really have many premade breakfast foods that’ll keep me going while I’m at school, which means I’m always late, because I always try to make something nice, and then get really hungry and tired and can’t start my day until 10am by the time I’m done with dishes. It’s just it’s not the best note to start the day off on.

So lately, I’ve been trying to make meals ahead. Last night, I made some muffins, and the night before that I did breakfast burritos, and so far it’s been really nice.

When I come home from school, I’m also always super hungry, because I have this weird anxiety about eating food at school and also can’t be bothered to pack a lunch. So, instead, I’ve been putting aside dinner leftovers, so I don’t have to come home from school and frantically scroll through food blogs, and cry over a package of dry pasta. (Something I genuinely did a few weeks ago.)

I don’t know, I feel very responsible and adult, and I’m proud of myself for finally coming up with a very obvious solution to this problem.

Skincare

Okay, so this is the most cliche thing to write about–and honestly it drives me crazy when people talk about bath bombs and skincare products like they’re going to fix all your problems instantaneously, or act like everyone can afford to spend hundreds of dollars on these fancy products. But anyway–a few days ago, I ordered this eight dollar facial cleanser thing, and a ten dollar moisturizer off Amazon, and I’ve been doing a very basic skincare routine every morning and evening. It hasn’t cured my depression yet, but it is very nice.

Oh! On a somewhat related note, I’ve also been forcing myself to remember to take my vitamins and medication by writing it down on my to-do lists, which is so obvious, but also took me three months of having this problem to think of.

Reading books

So, because I just love to make myself miserable, I have a habit of just fusing myself to a screen for, like, ten hours straight in some form or other. (Wake up, check my phone, do schoolwork on my computer, watch TV on my computer, call my friends on my phone, etc.) And although that’s not always a bad thing, it’s just not good for my mental health to be on a screen 24/7, and honestly it can become pretty self-destructive. So I’ve been trying to take some time to just, like, read on the couch for a few hours, like I used to when I was younger, before I had so much going on. I miss reading being a bigger part of my life, and it’s been really nice to get back into it.

Getting back into audio editing

So, I have this fun habit where whenever something challenges me in any way, I shut it down and avoid it all costs, because I’m deathly afraid of failure. So to be totally honest, I tend to shy away from doing things like making podcast episodes, or mixing spoken word tracks, just because it’s something I’m still learning how to do, and am far more likely to mess up than I am writing a blog post, or a story chapter. I’ve been writing or reading in some form for so long, it’s honestly just like a second instinct to me, but I’ve only been working with audio for a year now, so it’s a lot more intimidating for me. Anyway, recently I’ve been working on a spoken word track, and I’m really proud of it.

Putting myself out there (a little bit)

So, not to shamelessly self-promote, but I’ve been working on an audio drama called We Are Here–which I may or may not have been working on since March, but I didn’t want to talk about it too much in case I decided to back out of the project, and also because nothing that exciting was happening back then. Anyway! I recently put out a casting call for it, and I’m about halfway through editing season one, and I’m hoping to start producing episodes at the end of March, and yeah, it’s absolutely terrifying but also, so cool, and I’m so excited to see where I’ll go with it. If you’re interested (nudge nudge, wink wink) you can check it out here.

Okay! I think that’s about it. I have no idea what I’m gonna write about next week, at this point of the year I’m just so tired I can’t plan more than a day ahead.

I hope you all are taking care of yourselves, and doing all right. I’m sending all the hugs your way.

Lots of love,

Lorna

the roses

i don’t think i’ve ever really been happy.

because i am a girl of long nights, and bloodstains. i don’t want to fight you, so just leave me the hell alone, okay?

i chisel my heart right out of my chest and keep it somewhere far away. because there is a time, and there is a place. but right now, you made a promise, little girl.

so i guess i’ll keep it, no matter what it takes. i’ll plaster on a smile, i’ll wash the dirty dishes ’til they break.

and i’ll clean them up tomorrow, but… not today. because i’m tired, and lonely, and maybe pandora’s box will open no matter what i do, but i still don’t want to encourage it any more than i have to.

so i sit there, in my office chair, waiting for the rain to come. for the endless woods, and the thunderstorm at hell’s gate. i look both ways, and run for my life; i’ll do anything to just get out of this place. but i think i lost a piece of myself in the roses; i haven’t heard from her since.

double checked the address, and sent old-fashioned letters all to no reply. but it’s all right, i guess. just one more part of growing up; i’m told that it happens, sometimes. that i’ll be all right, that the wound will heal with time.

and i have to believe that’s true.