i am strong (or something like that)

i wanna write something real.

i wanna write something that doesn’t feel like it’s sugarcoating what’s happening, because what’s happening is i am falling. i am falling, from everything i used to be. and i know it looks pretty awesome from where you’re standing but trust me. living my life isn’t easy.

i wanna write something that makes me feel awake. because to be honest, i haven’t been feeling that way a lot these days. 

i wanna write something. because i have a voice, and i want to use it. because i am not a curse to the world i live in, and the greatest thing i could do is so much more than be erased. you know that right? we don’t deserve to live this way.

apologizing for our dreams, and our hopes, and our feelings. apologizing for being here. apologizing, because it’s the next best thing we can do to disappear.

you know, you are not defined by your mistakes. you are worth so much more than your worst moments, or the times when they looked you in the eye right before they threw you away.

you are the flower growing through the crack in the sidewalk no one ever thought to water. you are the whisper that becomes a voice that becomes a roar. you are the whole sky staring right back at you in the mirror. you are the everyday magic it takes to get out of bed, and get ready for school, and somehow have the courage to stitch yourself back together just enough to make it through.

so i wanna write something for myself. i wanna write something for all of you. 

i wanna write something like the driftwoood raft you used so long ago when everything fell apart. when the ship crashed, and it all went dark, and you were completely fucking alone. 

i wanna write something that feels, despite all of this, like the smallest piece of home.


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photo album

and in the photo album, it all looks so perfect. doesn’t it? hallmark smiles, and christmas card messages, and maybe if we keep going at this we can just pretend there’s nothing off about it.

in the photo album, i do not have mental illness. i am just a smiling little girl, with freckles on her cheeks, and the wind in her hair, and in the end, i am nothing more than a pretty face. sitting there.

in the photo album, maybe i am just being stupid. and dramatic. but i still can’t help but feel the fault lines wracking through me, except… maybe this isn’t really me. maybe this brain was never mine, and maybe i am out of place inside this body.

maybe i made it all up. maybe i don’t remember it correctly, because if i was so miserable how can i look so happy?


I went through all my old childhood pictures and videos and stuff on my laptop a couple days ago, and kind of broke down a little afterward. Not in a loud way. It just triggered this chain of denial inside me–like, I’m just lying, I don’t really have anxiety. I guess this was what I wrote to at least attempt to deal with those feelings.

cold

trigger warning: suicidal thoughts mention. need to talk to anyone? crisis lines are here.

numb hands, and a heavy head. and i know it’s a mental illness, but it’s still in my control and i still should have fixed it.

i should have been better. should have been perfect. not frozen numb on the inside, hands in my pockets as i realize that loneliness does not discriminate based on circumstance. and that even when i’m surrounded by the people who love me most, i will still fall asleep, and my mind will still feel like stone.

and sometimes when i cry, i feel like i’m six years old. and my mom tells me to stop. my mom tells me it’s not your time to go and how can thoughts of suicide at such a young age have somehow felt so normal?

so for all of the times when the lonely felt like permafrost seeping through me. when i was defined by these aching concrete bones. i am not alone.

there is love out there. there is something like a small beam of hope, and i won’t say it’ll go away forever. but there’s more to life than feeling this cold.

and you know you brought yourself back to life from the brink of oblivion, right? you rubbed your hands together. you smashed sunlight into sparks and somehow lit a fire. you wrote yourself a home. 

and it’s gonna be ok. believe me. i’d know.


Check out the spoken word version here.

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defining myself based on my success

harsh metal edges and the tired, empty thoughts, echoing around my head.

so say you’re proud of me. say this time, i’ve really done it and i’ll smile shyly at the ground like a goofy little kid and bask in the thought for just a couple minutes that after all this time i did it. i did it. 

despite all the odds stacked up against me. despite all the reasons to not.  i did it. i stood up, and i fought.

so say you love me. and i’ll try to let the words wash over me. let them wrap around my shoulders like medicine. and i’ll try to let it sink in but honestly, it’s hard to believe… any of this.

because how can this be real? how can this make sense? 

don’t you know i’m worthless?


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Happy New Year!

Hey guys! I don’t normally post about holidays, just because I’m not a huge celebration person, but I just wanted to say, to whoever likes my blog enough to bother with reading this: thank you. Thank you for nice comments, and likes, and for supporting me at the start of what I hope is a long journey.

This is the first year out of many for this blog, hopefully, and I can’t wait to see what I’ll accomplish this year. What the world will do this year.

And honestly, 2019 was rough. I think 2020 is probably gonna be pretty rough too. But I know… that we’re gonna make it through. And it’s ok to be scared. It’s ok to be excited. It’s ok if you aren’t all that emotional about new year at all. Whatever you’re feeling, it’s ok.

2019 was rough, but… it’s also been a year of growth. The year I started this blog, the year I got help and started medication–the year things started to get better. And even though I’m scared, I’m also excited. Because I think things are getting better. I think I’m going to fight.

So… I hope the next year is a good one for you. I hope so much, for all of you. Thank you again, so much, for everything. We’re in this together.

Lots of love,

dragonwritesthings