and so watch, as my lips shatter into the golden sunset. as my thoughts break, glass falling to the ground, and it’s all fucking over now. so here i am, staring up at the ceiling, just waiting for my mind to shut down.

and so listen, as blood dribbles off my fingers, and my hope melts like a candle in the freezing. cold. winter.

because this. this is the apocalypse; the one we’ve all been waiting for. so take a seat. grab some fucking popcorn. and turn off your heart. and brush away every part of yourself that ever dared to think that things were gonna get better, because they aren’t.

because life is not a disney movie.

and you can’t spend all day in bed, hiding away from the reality.

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rock-a-bye baby, upon the tree-top.

and you know you can’t trust them anymore. you know they’re gonna fucking let you drop.

when the wind blows, the cradle will rock.

and don’t you dare let them see you vulnerable. don’t let them find out that… well, sometimes… you can’t stand tall. 

when the bough breaks, the cradle will fall.

and you’re not gonna be able to pretend forever. and i know you didn’t think i’d be weak enough to crack, but here i am.

and down will come baby. cradle and all.

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social anxiety

trigger warning: self harm

don’t fucking talk to me. because i’m a weak little girl, and i was made to be lonely. and because other people are pretty much just there to attack me, or hurt me, or take my life. take my money. 

it doesn’t matter anymore. because the churning in my stomach means i’m pretty much your property. and high school sucks, and i know they’re not going to hurt me, but most of these people are pretty huge idiots. with big shoulders, and booming voices. and most of the time, i feel pretty fucking pointless.

so here i am, waiting in the bathroom stall for you to leave me alone. because for whatever reason, my existence disgusts me. and i don’t want you to know…

so don’t fucking wave at me. or compliment my haircut. because i probably look awful. and this entire thing is stupid.

and i hate not wearing my sleeves rolled up, but i just cut myself, and i don’t want you to know, so. here i am. hiding in a bathroom stall, like cornered prey. letting my eyes slip closed.

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december 27th, 2019

i’m disgusted by my body. i’m disgusted by myself. i’m disgusted by humanity.

so lift me high above my mind.  crush up my skeleton. hit the delete button. turn off the gravity.

flickering lights. black and white. i read over old journals and start to forget the reality.

and the colours always sort of melt late at night. blue, and green, and yellow, and white…

sand i’m not even sure what’s true and what’s false anymore. So find me curled up in the darkest hole i can find. hiding away, from the fucked up beast i call my mind.

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i think i’m gonna cry

staring up at the sky. and faking a smile, as my head turns to ice.

wilting flowers, burning eyes, and it’s fucking 2020, and aren’t you supposed to be all right?

but they let you down. didn’t they? held your hand through the fog and lifted you up through the clouds but they were never there. not really. not when it counts.

but, to be fair, you were never really there either. not deep, deep down.

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