hold you

i wish i could hold you. wish i could turn the pain into beauty, and lay flowers on your shoulders and slowly wind the clock forward to a time when cars fly, and the sky dances, and we’re no longer broken. and i know things wouldn’t be perfect, but i’m tired of stitching myself together, scar by scar. tired of looking at myself in the mirror and falling apart on the bathroom floor.

i wish i could suffer the blows with you, and wipe away your forestfire tears, for as long as you need me too.

i wish i could write you a happy ending, where you don’t have to deal with any of this. because i hope you know every single day how beautifully imperfect you are. how you are so much more than any wound or scar. 

i wish you knew how much i care about you. because maybe i don’t know your name, or maybe i do. but i do know that you’re human, and you’re worth it, okay? you’re worth the space you take up. you’re worth all your flaws, and bad days. and we need you here. so please.

stay.


Listen to the spoken word version here.

ash

and / i can’t breathe / and my stomach twists / and my capillaries fracture / and it all crumbles slowly / and i know what you think but can you really trust them? honestly? / and my chest shatters awkwardly / and my body catches fire / and now i am dust in the wind / and i’ll try to scream / but i don’t think anyone’s gonna hear it / and i am broken-down bones and deserted lungs /  i am the epitome of trying to pour from an empty cup / and you must be so proud because / you did it / you really / fucking / did it / broke me apart / tore me down / fallen trees and power’s out / and all i want in the world right now is to get you out. 


Find me on PatreonYouTubeInstagramWattpadTumblr, and on Twitter.

cold

trigger warning: suicidal thoughts mention. need to talk to anyone? crisis lines are here.

numb hands, and a heavy head. and i know it’s a mental illness, but it’s still in my control and i still should have fixed it.

i should have been better. should have been perfect. not frozen numb on the inside, hands in my pockets as i realize that loneliness does not discriminate based on circumstance. and that even when i’m surrounded by the people who love me most, i will still fall asleep, and my mind will still feel like stone.

and sometimes when i cry, i feel like i’m six years old. and my mom tells me to stop. my mom tells me it’s not your time to go and how can thoughts of suicide at such a young age have somehow felt so normal?

so for all of the times when the lonely felt like permafrost seeping through me. when i was defined by these aching concrete bones. i am not alone.

there is love out there. there is something like a small beam of hope, and i won’t say it’ll go away forever. but there’s more to life than feeling this cold.

and you know you brought yourself back to life from the brink of oblivion, right? you rubbed your hands together. you smashed sunlight into sparks and somehow lit a fire. you wrote yourself a home. 

and it’s gonna be ok. believe me. i’d know.


Check out the spoken word version here.

Find me on PatreonYouTubeInstagramWattpadTumblr, and on Twitter.

defining myself based on my success

harsh metal edges and the tired, empty thoughts, echoing around my head.

so say you’re proud of me. say this time, i’ve really done it and i’ll smile shyly at the ground like a goofy little kid and bask in the thought for just a couple minutes that after all this time i did it. i did it. 

despite all the odds stacked up against me. despite all the reasons to not.  i did it. i stood up, and i fought.

so say you love me. and i’ll try to let the words wash over me. let them wrap around my shoulders like medicine. and i’ll try to let it sink in but honestly, it’s hard to believe… any of this.

because how can this be real? how can this make sense? 

don’t you know i’m worthless?


Find me on PatreonYouTubeInstagramWattpadTumblr, and Twitter.

Happy New Year!

Hey guys! I don’t normally post about holidays, just because I’m not a huge celebration person, but I just wanted to say, to whoever likes my blog enough to bother with reading this: thank you. Thank you for nice comments, and likes, and for supporting me at the start of what I hope is a long journey.

This is the first year out of many for this blog, hopefully, and I can’t wait to see what I’ll accomplish this year. What the world will do this year.

And honestly, 2019 was rough. I think 2020 is probably gonna be pretty rough too. But I know… that we’re gonna make it through. And it’s ok to be scared. It’s ok to be excited. It’s ok if you aren’t all that emotional about new year at all. Whatever you’re feeling, it’s ok.

2019 was rough, but… it’s also been a year of growth. The year I started this blog, the year I got help and started medication–the year things started to get better. And even though I’m scared, I’m also excited. Because I think things are getting better. I think I’m going to fight.

So… I hope the next year is a good one for you. I hope so much, for all of you. Thank you again, so much, for everything. We’re in this together.

Lots of love,

dragonwritesthings