how to find a feeling

trigger warning: numbness and confusion

close your eyes; the world hurts too much. ask if anyone’s seen the part of you that cared, and point to the hole in your chest, and when other people don’t see it, grab out your goddamn magnifying glass. show them the cuts and scrapes and bruises. show them the emptiness, but of course they won’t get it, so maybe it doesn’t exist. rock yourself asleep against the quiet nothingness. love is the feeling that makes your heart slam rhythms into your chest this is the start of the song of your life the inspirational posts on tumblr did tell me this. my life is a song but… i don’t know the lyrics yet. hope for something to last so hard it feels like you’re about to shatter the glass heart nestled in chest but i’m still not sure what it is. take off your glasses let the whole world shift in and in and out and in and out of focus. there will be screaming forests and the horror stories and the haunted houses. it’s a choice yes but it’s a choice made out of the belief that i am nothing if i am not a nice neat package. and you’ll call them up begging for someone to remind you why you are alive but the words will stay silent inside and oh my god the sound of your voice is enough to bring every single memory to life, and oh my god why do i want to just die sometimes, and oh my god why do the nightmares follow me every and every night, and i’m spinning again, because the feelings are too much. and i’m punching again and trying to see if this time i can leave bruises because bruises mean some kind of validation, and some kind of closure, and closure means permanence, and i swear i’m working through it with my therapist but right now her office is the only place my mind even makes sense. but maybe these feelings are not just feelings. maybe they are really just a message, and it’s all there in front of me written in code if only i could read it. and maybe someday the ghosts in my chest will all assemble into order and bow before me and start cleaning out my chest. and what i mean by that is every single one of these letters is art but it’s also just me knocking doors in the middle of the night, hoping someone will get it without words when i hold the magnifying glass up to the tears pooling in my eyes. and it’s also just my heart filling up like a hot air balloon before exploding all night. and it’s also my lungs. breathing. and the oceans inside me. and it’s also the feeling of your arms wrapped around my shoulders and my arms wrapped around your shoulders and the way it’s the warmest feeling that even though i’m not sure what it is, something about me made this person care enough to wrap their arms around me. and i still can’t really believe that somewhere between the broken pieces, i managed to make you happy.


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pleiades

thank you so much for believing in me. please don’t stop. never, never, never.

 

but / i’m not / perfect / but i’m not / perfect / but i’m not / perfect / i’m not / even close / to perfect / i’m a spill on the counter / i forgot to shape into something / prettier / into something / easier /  but i’m too / quiet / too / quiet / but my opinion is so easily / molded / my thoughts redrafted like messy essays scribbled on napkins you plagiarized / i’m crying tears that melt me like an iceberg / but i’ll have refrozen / by sunset / the split second you just don’t get it even though i love you like i love the ground below me / how can i be a lightbulb / how can i be a lightbulb like you say when i don’t even realize it / i’m scared i’m more hate than love / full of so much rain / but not enough sun / & rain / will not help / melt things / but it only makes the ocean rise higher / i’m scared without the pain / there’s nothing i’ve got left / scared i can’t keep going further / but i’m tired of the colours / only i can see / like a private light spectrum / i tailored for myself not realizing the dress would become a prison / i’m tired of being bright bright blue / except you can’t see blue / except every time you look at me / you roll your eyes / you laugh / you act like poetry is a word i scribbled on the chalkboard of myself / no / poetry / is like the item my third-grade teacher etched onto the whiteboard / in sharpie / hot lunch orders / still waiting there / poetry  / will not be erased with rubbing alcohol / should not be erased with rubbing alcohol / trying to erase poetry from me is like / trying to erase my heartbeat / trying to wipe the air air away where i touched it / because you said / it got too messy / sometimes it feels like you would rather be invisible / my soul is like a rainforest / no one else bothers to walk in because they’re scared of the tigers / i always get the same compliments / wise / insightful / self-aware / bright / etc / strangers / repeating like this / broken record / am i the broken record or is it you / are you the broken record or am i / you don’t understand / whatever beauty you see in my eyes / i can only kind of find / & if i did / i think it might ruin me / & maybe it exists / or maybe / you’re just lying / i’m tired of you / not / understanding the colour / bright bright blue / but i’m not perfect / but i’m not perfect / but i mess up all the time / but all / those / teachers / told me / that someday / they would be reading my novel / & yeah for a second / it made me look people / square in the eye / but how do you know my novel would be so great / if i asked would you stop / believing in me / would you tell me i was being crazy / if i was the kid panicking in the hallway / would you call me crazy / you wanted me to be a rocket / you could pour the fuel / into / i don’t know / maybe / you fell for a reflection / & not a reality / maybe i fell for a reflection / & not a reality / sometimes / this version of me / who stands up on stages / is the only thing that makes me pause in the mirror / before i call myself / stupid / evil / liar / sometimes it’s the only time i feel / at peace / ok / at peace / ok / you were kind / in front of me / but / what did you say / in the lunch room / what did you say / to someone else / what did you say about me / when you realized / my mind was an attic i am crawling through hoping / i don’t put a hole / in the roof / sometimes the sound of my / voice feels like / a sticky snakeskin / i want to cast / away i didn’t / tell you / this /  & i close my eyes / my hands are shaking / it’s like you’re talking in a foreign language / i shove the praise at my reflection & watch myself hug me back / trying to melt together my / hundred thousand tissue paper faces / you whisper encouragements / sometimes / when i read over my own work / it’s like reading something in a different language / sometimes / when i look in the mirror / it takes me a moment / like / oh my god / that’s / me / sometimes / my mind just / sort of / goes / blank / like / an empty / document / error / error / error / sometimes / even telling the truth / feels like getting into a locker / i’ve forgotten the combination of / having to use / bolt / cutters / we’re not even talking about massive / secrets / but / when / will i be / good / enough / for you / but when / will i / feel / ok / this is the only time i could call myself / 99% ok / but / why / can’t / i even / talk / to you / why does my brain / see little butterfly wings / to be tornadoes before they even / rise in the morning / why don’t i know / or want to stop / holding onto pain / like it’s a pacifier / somehow / if i see it / does that make it true / & / the thing is / it’s not / enough / to be different / when there are a million other stars / in the sky / & maybe i’m just / pleiades / maybe i’m only / a small cluster of stars shaped like a house in the night sky / maybe / i’m not bright enough / to be / noticed / because / i can’t / see / half of this / my lungs aren’t / even empty highways / they’re just / dead / inside / my mind feels / carnivorous / which is ironic / since i’m vegan / which is ironic /  because i tried so hard i disappeared to not hurt anything / because sometimes hope is the only lifeboat / that won’t collapse on me / it’s just you can’t buy it easily / i tried so hard to not hurt anything & it worked well until i realized i was lying

 

note: whenever i find the time/ quiet rooms, more spoken word recordings will be coming. might even work on a voice recording for this poem later.