i am strong (or something like that) – spoken word


“Prórroga de Tiempo C” from patrickdearteaga.com
Used under this license.
“Water drops” from freesound.org (https://freesound.org/people/Zaziesound/sounds/496305/)
Used under this license.
“Sounds of emei shan mountain (birds, river)” from freesound.org (https://freesound.org/people/EduFigg/sounds/454667/)
Used under this license.
Poem by me. All sounds have been edited by me.

Read the text of this poem here.

but it’s just human nature

and so brush off the red flags with positive affirmations, and a flick of your finger. you’re being dramatic. it’s just human nature. and i don’t think you’re supposed to have something to live for.

pounding drumbeats, and angry music, and standing on the edge, and footsteps against cork floor. and what are you doing? you shouldn’t feel angry like this. shouldn’t be losing control like this, and please stop telling yourself there’s nothing you can do about it.

you did something wrong. and you deserve to be punished. clenched fists, and a churning stomach.

they did something wrong. and they deserve to face your wrath for it. fast breathing, and a throat sore from screaming.

and look at this hole you’ve dug yourself into. look at the fires you’ve lit, and the homes you’ve torn up from the ground, and good god. what have you done to yourself?


I wanted this poem to feel really jarring and, I don’t know, rhythmic? A little like a heavy metal song in poetry, if that makes any sense. I don’t really know where it came from, it was just an empty file on Google Docs I opened up at school and then a couple days later I wrote this just based off the file name. Of late, I haven’t really been struggling with anger like I have in the past–but, well, I’ve been in some pretty bad places in terms of anger, and I wanted to just try and write that out.

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hold you

i wish i could hold you. wish i could turn the pain into beauty, and lay flowers on your shoulders and slowly wind the clock forward to a time when cars fly, and the sky dances, and we’re no longer broken. and i know things wouldn’t be perfect, but i’m tired of stitching myself together, scar by scar. tired of looking at myself in the mirror and falling apart on the bathroom floor.

i wish i could suffer the blows with you, and wipe away your forestfire tears, for as long as you need me too.

i wish i could write you a happy ending, where you don’t have to deal with any of this. because i hope you know every single day how beautifully imperfect you are. how you are so much more than any wound or scar. 

i wish you knew how much i care about you. because maybe i don’t know your name, or maybe i do. but i do know that you’re human, and you’re worth it, okay? you’re worth the space you take up. you’re worth all your flaws, and bad days. and we need you here. so please.

stay.


Listen to the spoken word version here.

dial tone

the pulsing groan of the dial tone works its way through my mind. and if i watch enough tv, maybe i’ll still be there to see the world vanish softly, and melt into my tired insides.

go away. go away. go away. just leave me alone in my fucking garbage dump of a brain. because i’m not a person anymore. i’m just a diagnosis, or a label, or something like that. and if this illness defines me, then does that mean i need to be sick to be happy?

does that mean no one really loves me? does that mean i can’t even trust one fucking word you’ve told me? or is this all just my mind, messing with me?

just make it all stop, okay? i’m not ready yet. i’m not ready for any of this. i’m not ready for time to exist, and i’m sorry.

but i don’t think i can do this.


I wrote the original draft of this poem really late at night, and I’m not sure what it’s about, but it’s definitely a pretty good picture of the weird mental state I’ve been in of late.

Find me on PatreonYouTubeInstagramWattpadTumblr, and on Twitter.

ash (spoken word)


“El Infausto Ladrón de Joyas A” used according to license from the wonderful patrickdeartegea.com

“AM Radio Tuning Sound” by SailorMoonFan from soundbible.com (found here: http://soundbible.com/2099-AM-Radio-Tuning.html)

“Hard Drive Clicking Sound” by Robertv on soundbible.com (found here: http://soundbible.com/1951-Hard-Drive-Clicking.html)

Read the written version here. All tracks have been edited by me. Find me on PatreonYouTubeInstagramWattpadTumblr, and on Twitter.