november 27th, 2019

i’m losing control. i know i’m losing my control. and you’re inside of me now. swimming in my throat.

so get away from me. get away from me. because i’m going to explode.

because i’ve been hurt enough times that i am not going to take the risk of letting go. and don’t touch me. get off me. i don’t deserve your love, and in the end you’re only going to reject me. i don’t think i was made for this kind of reality.

so close your eyes, okay? say that you hate me until i beg you not to go, and gouge scars into my chest, right through my clothes. slam the door closed…


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avoidance strategies

if i don’t think about it, i won’t have to do anything about it, at least for tonight. and that’s enough for me, okay? just give me one more day, where i don’t have to be afraid of who i’ll become when i turn and face the light. 

if i don’t think about it, i’ll have just a little longer to hold the world in my hands, and let it stir in my chest. let it make me so scared it’s hard to breathe and did i ever not feel this exhausted?

and you see, my mind is feeling like an electric fence today. and every step forward i take is some kind of calamity, and today, my mind is endless pounding gravity, dragging me down, down, down, crushing hopes and dreams into a solid ball of matter until there’s nothing left i remember. 

today, my mind plays guard. and i am its prisoner.


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as long as you’re there, i won’t have to be alone

let me bury my thoughts in your arms. your warm, soft arms, that always feel like home. let me drown in your problems, so i will never have to think about my own. because i don’t know how to do this. i don’t know why i’m even trying. so…

so as long as you’re with me, i won’t have to be lost, or scared, or alone. because god do i feel alone. and i know this is stupid, but i just… it’s all so dark inside my head. and i still can’t find a lightswitch or i don’t know. i’m just so scared of what happens next. 

when i crawl out of the coffin nestled deep in my skull. and maybe for the first time in my life, i’ll really see the world.


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cold

trigger warning: suicidal thoughts mention. need to talk to anyone? crisis lines are here.

numb hands, and a heavy head. and i know it’s a mental illness, but it’s still in my control and i still should have fixed it.

i should have been better. should have been perfect. not frozen numb on the inside, hands in my pockets as i realize that loneliness does not discriminate based on circumstance. and that even when i’m surrounded by the people who love me most, i will still fall asleep, and my mind will still feel like stone.

and sometimes when i cry, i feel like i’m six years old. and my mom tells me to stop. my mom tells me it’s not your time to go and how can thoughts of suicide at such a young age have somehow felt so normal?

so for all of the times when the lonely felt like permafrost seeping through me. when i was defined by these aching concrete bones. i am not alone.

there is love out there. there is something like a small beam of hope, and i won’t say it’ll go away forever. but there’s more to life than feeling this cold.

and you know you brought yourself back to life from the brink of oblivion, right? you rubbed your hands together. you smashed sunlight into sparks and somehow lit a fire. you wrote yourself a home. 

and it’s gonna be ok. believe me. i’d know.


Check out the spoken word version here.

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defining myself based on my success

harsh metal edges and the tired, empty thoughts, echoing around my head.

so say you’re proud of me. say this time, i’ve really done it and i’ll smile shyly at the ground like a goofy little kid and bask in the thought for just a couple minutes that after all this time i did it. i did it. 

despite all the odds stacked up against me. despite all the reasons to not.  i did it. i stood up, and i fought.

so say you love me. and i’ll try to let the words wash over me. let them wrap around my shoulders like medicine. and i’ll try to let it sink in but honestly, it’s hard to believe… any of this.

because how can this be real? how can this make sense? 

don’t you know i’m worthless?


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