avoidance strategies

if i don’t think about it, i won’t have to do anything about it, at least for tonight. and that’s enough for me, okay? just give me one more day, where i don’t have to be afraid of who i’ll become when i turn and face the light. 

if i don’t think about it, i’ll have just a little longer to hold the world in my hands, and let it stir in my chest. let it make me so scared it’s hard to breathe and did i ever not feel this exhausted?

and you see, my mind is feeling like an electric fence today. and every step forward i take is some kind of calamity, and today, my mind is endless pounding gravity, dragging me down, down, down, crushing hopes and dreams into a solid ball of matter until there’s nothing left i remember. 

today, my mind plays guard. and i am its prisoner.

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i am tired, and there is so much darkness

trigger warning: suicidal thoughts. need to talk? crisis lines are here.

there are cracks in my skull. there is an earthquake in my bones. i am a burden. i am worthless. no one loves me and i am alone.

and i shouldn’t be feeling like this. i shouldn’t even be thinking about this. i don’t think you even know how much time i spend wondering about this. about what would happen if i vanished. if i went for a walk, and never came back. and would you even miss me? really? because i wouldn’t.

because sometimes. it just feels so heavy. and i just wish i could lift these bricks off my shoulders. wish i could lie down, and close my eyes, and actually go to sleep at a reasonable time. 

but i can’t do that tonight.

Based off some intrusive thoughts I was having a while back that I really needed to let out. I know parts of this poem are a little melodramatic, and to be honest that’s kind of intentional. When I wrote it, my anxiety brain was being really melodramatic. I don’t think it’s true, but I needed to write it out anyway. Just… to see that.

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mentos on an empty stomach

vaguely nauseous. you hand me a couple mentos for old time’s sake, and we hide behind the vending machine in awkward silence. and i think i did something wrong, but i don’t really know what exactly. so… i’m sorry.

ever since this year started, our little group hasn’t quite been the same as it used to be. and if you’re not there, maybe i’ll never know how to explain it exactly. the aching silence and fading sentences, only interrupted by the vague thrum of the emptiness.

i created this mess. why don’t i know how to fix it?

vaguely nauseous. can’t eat anything at school, even with my friends. and something’s wrong, isn’t it?

don’t think about it. trust me. it’s only going to get worse if you think about it. if you follow the spiral like you want to follow the spiral. all the way down to infinity.

if you look yourself in the eye, except all you can see in the mirror is the monster. because all i can see right now is the monster. staring back at me.

Oof, I know this poem is really teenagery. But it felt like something I needed to write. Really needed to write. So yeah.  I guess I can accept that. I’ve been experiencing a lot of crazy levels of anxiety of late, and this poem really embodies that–this vague, buzzing fear that’s always in the back of my mind these days.

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the night wears on

fingers on the glass. it’s raining, again. and i want to throw up for no apparent reason.

and maybe this is what the future means. i don’t know.

i remember being ten. i remember when all of this felt so far off in the distance.  a vague cartoon of the world i live in. and maybe that’s horrible. but i still miss it.

i remember reading the news. and how it’s almost always bad. how some days, it just feels like the world is coming to an end.

how static whispers through my head. and i close my eyes. and i let myself drown in it.

I live in Canada, and I wrote this poem the night of our election–October 21st. I was feeling really anxious about it, and I guess–this helped a bit.


maybe if i try hard enough, i can just… numb myself cold.

and i’ll try to breathe, but my lungs are made of stone.

and i’m just a body. so none of this matters, really.

and i can’t stop questioning. can’t stop thinking. and i would scream for help, but i don’t think anyone would hear me calling.

and i don’t know who i am exactly. but whatever it is, i can feel it slipping away. slowly.

and the screen light will swallow me.

and maybe if i tried hard enough, i could just step away. and it wouldn’t feel like this. like the panic was rising in my throat, and oh my god i’m not the one in control, and oh my god, oh my god, i think i’m letting go.

and oh my god, what’s happening to me? can someone please just explain me what’s happening to me? and tell me it’s going to be okay. hold me in your arms and tell me it’s just a bad day. tell me it’s gonna get better tomorrow so don’t worry about it sweetie–

because it’s been a long time since i’ve felt as alone as i do today.

This poem has been in the works for a long time, vaguely sitting there in the back of my Google Drive. Vaguely based off some stuff I’ve been feeling lately. I hope those who are reading this don’t relate to this poem, but if you do, just… know you’re not alone. I feel this way too, and even if I’ve never met you I can say that you deserve help. You deserve to get better. And even if no one else you know does right now, I and so many other people you haven’t met yet want you here and care about you. You’re not alone. You’re never alone. Even when it feels that way.