treading water

trigger warning: implied suicidal ideation

you know, when i was little, i went swimming almost every. single. day. and i remember, how all of those years were mostly just spent, chasing that feeling i’d get, the moment my head ducked under the water.

and the silence would envelop me, in its arms; loving and motherly. and i was… completely at peace. for a second. where no one could reach me. and sometimes, i can’t help but miss that feeling.

because some silence would be nice right now. as i pound my fists against a self-induced glass ceiling. and maybe someday, i’ll finally be able to think about doing something better with my life than simply not drowning. treading water. just barely keeping up with the tossing, and turning of the tides. and yeah, maybe every now and then, my limbs start to ache. maybe sometimes, i sort of want to die.

maybe my arms start to shudder, under the weight of a feather, and my legs tremble in the ice cold water. maybe i can’t keep this up forever.

and maybe some silence… would be nice for a change. i think i’m ready to surrender.

to lie down. and let the ocean carry me away.

First off, I just want to say that I am safe. Reading over this, I realize how you could interpret this piece–but I promise that when I discuss themes of giving up, I don’t mean them in the sense of death–I just giving up on hopes, and dreams, or things I’ve spent a long time working very hard on. And with that aside, onto the post!

I don’t think about it a lot, but swimming was really formative for me growing up. I used to be really good at it, and one time I came in third place in a triathlon when I was in either fourth or fifth grade, I think. I could have probably gotten into it competitively if I wanted to/had the funds to. My parents are really sporty, and so I ended up dabbling in a lot of sports growing up, most of which I just kinda did because they were doing them. But for some reason, swimming stuck.

Growing up, and even now, no matter how ridiculous it might be, I always have to be the best person in every room at everything, even if it’s as silly as a board game. It’s kind of just an instinct, honestly. But a really shitty one, that makes life a lot harder than it needs to be So anyhow, for a couple years, I chased after being the best kid in the whole swimming club; the kid who blew everyone away, because at the tender age of eight, swimming was… well, it was a pretty huge part of my identity. When I think about that time, all I remember is this constant pressure and stress, making it hard to so much as sleep. It felt like I was just treading water.

Just barely keeping up with the other kids, maintaining my status as the smart girl, the strong girl, the fast girl…

But I was also nine. And tired. I knew that. I remember the long nights I would spend, just wondering when I’d finally reach the point where I couldn’t keep this kind of work up anymore. When finally, there was someone who I couldn’t beat. That terrified me.

Honestly, that thought still does terrify me. (Obviously, in a very different way, since I’m much older now, but it’s still very much there in my brain.)

I guess, I’m just kinda feeling a bit burnt out right now. And I’m still working out how to deal with it.

Lots of love,


the flowers still grow

and honestly? maybe the worst part about this is that i don’t know anymore. what’s me, and what’s just my brain. and what does that leave you with? when you can’t trust your own judgement? when there’s so much doubt in your head that you feel like you’re going insane?

so i’ll paint the sky a cerulean blue and i’ll smile, and draw stick figures and cute flowers and pin it to our fridge and be your perfect daughter, and it’ll all be for you.

and our tears will melt across our cheeks and i’ll call you, at 11:00pm in the bathroom and i’ll tell you how much i love you, but i don’t think you’ll ever truly know.

and i’ll try to write it out. i’ll try to show you, even with my shaking hands. and my broken bones. 

and honestly, sometimes all i know is that the wind blows through the leaves and at least for now… the flowers still grow.

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january 10th, 2020

looking down on my own cage from far, far away, and dear god, why can’t you just leave me alone?

slipping out of my own skin, ever-so-slow. and it’s all so stupid, and messy. and i don’t want to go outside, okay? i don’t want to fucking know.

because there’s nothing i can do anyway. because my mind is on fire anyway. because maybe mental health is just an entitled first-world construct anyway. and maybe i don’t deserve to be happy.

maybe… maybe this is it. maybe this is where the world ends, and the sky collapses, or maybe it’s just my brain being melodramatic. but if it is… i can’t tell the difference.

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trigger warning: suicidal thoughts. need to talk? crisis lines are here.

unfinished shitty poems, and i’m spinning around in circles, and please leave me alone.

because i am sick, and broken.  a porcelain doll, falling apart on your staircase at 2 in the morning and i think i want to die, or maybe i’m just sleep deprived, but either way i can’t stop crying. and either way, boy does time fly, when you stare at the stars after midnight and just want to disappear inside.

and so my head becomes the hamster wheel. and i’m just wondering how long it’ll take before i just lose it. and i don’t know what i’m doing, but i wish i could stop doing it.

and you really don’t need to care like this. because i don’t want to be loved. i don’t want to be noticed. not… not like this.

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avoidance strategies

if i don’t think about it, i won’t have to do anything about it, at least for tonight. and that’s enough for me, okay? just give me one more day, where i don’t have to be afraid of who i’ll become when i turn and face the light. 

if i don’t think about it, i’ll have just a little longer to hold the world in my hands, and let it stir in my chest. let it make me so scared it’s hard to breathe and did i ever not feel this exhausted?

and you see, my mind is feeling like an electric fence today. and every step forward i take is some kind of calamity, and today, my mind is endless pounding gravity, dragging me down, down, down, crushing hopes and dreams into a solid ball of matter until there’s nothing left i remember. 

today, my mind plays guard. and i am its prisoner.

Check out the spoken word version here. Find me on PatreonYouTubeInstagramWattpadTumblr, and on Twitter.