promise myself i’ll practice. as in, promise myself i’ll stitch my broken heartstrings back together and make them into something like a tapestry. something coherent. something that will make others marvel at its beauty. promise myself i’ll do this. promise i’ll get to it tomorrow. because i need to get to it tomorrow. because i need to stop being afraid by tomorrow, because by tomorrow, everything will have changed but god, did you think anyone would care about what it’s like inside your echoing bombshell of a brain? because there are people who have it worse than i do, and maybe i am just another piece of shrapnel cast away from the scene of the crime. promise myself i’ll fight. promise myself tomorrow i’ll wake up and i will climb up from the abyss and i will pretend to be all right. but i will not be all right. i will not know what i mean anymore when i write poetry because i know that it’s something but i’m not sure what it is. and i guess i’m still a little scared of letting this feeling out when i’m not sure what this monster even is, but it’s mine, and doesn’t that mean it’s my responsibility to make sure it doesn’t hurt anyone other than myself this time? and i’m not sure what’s true and what’s just my head. but i’m afraid to look at myself in the mirror because i can’t stand the fact that i still can’t fix my head. that i’m still the kind of client my therapist has to convince their life is worth it. that i’m the kid, curled up in the back of the class, getting perfect grades. faking a smile. pretending they understand the better half of this. pretending they’re all right. pretending they’re all right because if i tell you, i’ll have to tell myself too. and i’m standing at the edge and i know someday, i’m going to do this. someday, i’m going to become everything i thought i never could be and i’m going to make something from the ashes. i’m just scared it won’t be beautiful.
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trigger warning: suicidal thoughts, self-harm
it is the kind of day that needs a hug. the kind of day that sprinkles rain on your cheeks, and you’re on the curb after counselling, still half in the middle of crying. crying because you don’t know. crying because even after an hour of talking about it it’s confusing. crying because you want it to stop hurting. crying because you need therapy and you’re so fucking scared of where you’d be if you hadn’t gotten help. crying because where are you. crying because i need you. crying it’s cold out. crying because i love you. crying because yesterday you told me you were moving which is not really a big deal when i love you but i’m also scared you don’t care about me in the same way. crying because i don’t know. crying because i am not alone. crying because i can’t sleep, and the weight of everything just feels. so. heavy. crying because it is the kind of day where you can only half-believe you’re awake. and you don’t know how to tell anybody but last night you fell asleep imagining suicide notes and it was hard not to just beg the sky to slam your eyes closed for a while honestly. the kind of day where you just want to wrap yourself in whatever will numb the pain. the kind of day where you wrap yourself in blankets, and watch harry potter movies, and try to whisk away the monster in your head with lavender tea. and coffee. and you tell yourself you’re worthless in the mirror, waiting for the moment it sinks in because you’re just so scared no one will ever come. no one will ever stay. no one will after wrap their arms around you without being asked first. and it’s ok if we both cry, i just need someone’s arms. and someone’s hands. and someone who sounds like a best friend. because when i’m with you… i don’t want to be dead.
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i’m drinking coffee again and i know that doesn’t sound like a big deal but it feels like it to me because other people can somehow function this way but it’s not like that for me. i haven’t been sleeping great of late and am i about to lose my self-control is this what kills me? because it feels that way right now. as the sky smudges itself black and white and i’m still having trouble thinking clearly. as my thoughts distort and bend like beams of light. i’m drinking coffee again even though i know it’s not good for me and i want to laugh it off because normal people laugh it off and that doesn’t feel like a good sign because that’s exactly the way it used to be. i’m drinking coffee again just because the world told me it was all right but it doesn’t feel all right it feels like throwing up but on the inside. but hey at least i feel alive. but hey at least i can keep functioning on nothing even though the smoke alarm is wailing but i’m numb and maybe i’m dissociating so i don’t actually hear anything. and i don’t really feel like editing because the broken limbs collide into themselves and i don’t know how to tell you how i feel because how i feel is shaped by what i want myself to feel and because how i feel is crammed into not having enough time to deal with it because there is never enough time to deal with it. i’m drinking coffee again, and my poems are eroding and i don’t know how to tell you hopeful things when i don’t feel them and it’s not that i don’t love you it’s that i can’t tell you that until i love myself but i can’t love myself so what am i supposed to tell you when you fall apart in my arms? i’m bandaging up my fingers so i can’t hurt even a small part of myself anymore. and i’m scared i’m just lying to myself because isn’t it all just in my head? because isn’t this all just something happening so. far. away? because my head is a runaway train. and i know i’m in control but i don’t even know how to fix this. don’t know which glue will finally work for all my broken pieces. and maybe i’m just tired right now of fighting this. tired of every day being another train wreck. tired of always feeling like this. so i close my eyes. and i brace for the impact. and i put on a helmet. and soon it’ll be over. and as long as other like the fractal spirals of my tears, it probably doesn’t matter–
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trigger warning: possible suicide mention
i am / a melting waterfall i am / global warming i am / probably catastrophizing but it feels like the end of the world to me and i am / crumbling castles i am melting waterfalls and the second you stand at the edge and realize you’re about to fall i am / flowers in the fall i am / the fall right now / i am the fall in your arms trying to spread sunlight across my skin as time starts to feel just a little bit irrelevant / i am a black hole and i’m not sure which one of us is gonna be the first one to drown but i know it’s gonna happen somehow i am whispering a hundred thousand love letters between the punches and it’s all for you / i am jumping off cliffs because somehow that makes it easier i am / sleepless and it feels kind of like headaches and screen light and empty compliments and numbness and my stomach slowly hollowing itself out / i am the skeletons of turtleshells / i am the arranged shards of broken cassette tapes and lightbulbs i am so many lightbulbs i am the feeling of holding onto your hand and feeling like there’s someone in the world who wants to guard the small flame of my heartbeat with their life for a second / i am an iceberg and i am melting and i’m sorry for making the whole world drown inside my mind i just wanted to feel alive / and i’m sorry i’m making the whole world overflow / i am drifting through the past too quickly shards of memories still tangled up in the strands of my hair filaments trying to blaze their way through my skull again because / the weight of my decisions feels like it’s crushing me because / some days everything makes sense but some days i’m just the shards of calamities and 1a.m. writing sessions pressing against each other like maybe if we just tried hard enough / we could track down all the broken parts of ourselves and stitch them together / somehow / somehow / somehow / i am sleepless i am / collapsing brick buildings i am / dangling my feet off the ledge of some apartment building in the middle of nowhere / with tears in my eyes because i’m scared of letting go and i’m scared of losing you and i’m scared of losing myself and i’m scared the sky is broken
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and i’m terrified of the day you’ll tell me i’m needy. tell me you can’t take it anymore because i’m just too much of a human being. because some days i have to sing my heart lullabies so i don’t call your name out a thousand times. and it would be nice if things could stop changing because i know it’s small and some would call it nothing, but i feel like i’m drowning. needy. and please don’t leave me alone. please ask me how i’m doing. i’m sorry if sometimes i can be smothering, i’m just scared of you leaving. and so i listen to love songs, and i try to imagine the singer is singing all those words to me because it’s too much to imagine someone i know loving me. loving me like hands stretched out into the void. loving me like stars through the weight of the darkness. and every time you text me it’s hard to believe you care about me like this. and i honestly don’t really know how to process half it. and it’s a tsunami rising up inside me, making everything more complicated. it’s typos and messages i didn’t mean to send. and i’m trying to scrub mantras into my skin. trying to sing myself to sleep. the server crashes. my therapist says i’ll never be controlled and that i am not a selfish person and that i have enough light to keep myself going if only i knew how to process that. and i want to make you happy but i’m afraid the feeling will leave me as i forget how to trust anybody. i’m afraid you see me differently if you know everything and my instincts say this night might swallow me and it’s just hard sometimes. to close your eyes and not listen to anything but the sound of my breathing.
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