lavender – a poem

Copy lavender.jpg

empty aching silence and i’m shivering in the winter of your heart. because time exists. because the cold echoes through the wind and the whole landscape is empty. empty. empty. like your eyes in the mornings and if i could just feel nothing for a while. if my body could stop falling apart like an out of order factory. if my mind could make sense independent of me that would be nice. i’m not saying it’s going to happen i’m just saying i wish it could be easier sometimes. wish i could just pop a pill and then my tired eyes could shift into focus and suddenly everything would make sense and by that i mean everything would be all right.  lavender baths and midnight writing sessions and maybe this is. enough. to fix myself. to make everything stop falling apart because i’ve never been a healthy person, i’ve just been really good at looking like one. because i don’t know who i am if i’m not working. i don’t know who i am if my head isn’t submerged and drowning. and right now coffee is the only thing right now that can snap my mind into focus and make it start working. slowly lifting weight off my shoulders, wondering when my feet will lift up off the ground and i’ll float into outer space and then i’ll never see you again, because sometimes it feels that way. like being sad and being alive are pretty much the same thing inside me. because i don’t just feel little things. no, you don’t understand. when i cry, i make oceans. when i cry, i drown a little, only no one notices. when i cry, i can’t even figure out what the truth is. when i cry, i hate myself more than a little bit. but then… there are also the days when there are a couple clouds in the sky. slight mist and the lavender plants smell like purple sunsets, and i lean back against the grass and i look up at the sky. and i can’t quite put it into words. but in that exact moment, the world makes sense to me.


keywords: poetry blogs on wordpress, poetry blogs to follow, poetry blogs best, best poetry, blogs on wordpress, poems from blogs, sad poetry blogs, good poetry blogs, modern poetry blogs, emotional poetry blogs, popular poetry blogs, poetry blogs wordpress, best prose poems, uplifting mental health poems

phoenix

trigger warning: lots of anxiety, desire to escape

i’m so scared that this is the moment i realize it’s a dream & start falling. i’m so so scared that this is the moment it all sort of shatters in front of me. & i’m just sort of standing here, and my hands are shaking, and there are tears dribbling off my cheeks like the beginning of a waterfall, and i swear the heat is melting me. & i can’t think. & i can’t do this. & i can’t breath. & i’m scared i’ll hurt you all the time. & there’s a scene in the harry potter movies where harry’s eyes kinda roll back in his head, because voldemort has taken over, and that’s how i feel all the time. like someone else is holding my hands. some monster, something you’ve never met. & i’m so scared, because it’s complicated and it’s messy & the darkness is slow as it creeps in like a cancer and begins to spread. & i think i did something wrong, but i don’t know what, and the anxiety is messy all around me leaves the world in shattered pieces. & if i ever hurt you, please let me know, because i don’t want to be trapped, & i don’t want to be caged inside myself about to let go. & i’m just whispering over & over to myself expecto patronum because it makes me feel strong. & powerful. like the version of myself i am when i’m with you is strong enough to outlast all the rest, and the thing i don’t want you to know if that i’m not always kind and i’m not always perfect and deep down i am a good person but not if the hurt you have inflicted on me is buried so deep into my skin it’s hard to understand, let alone deal with. my schedule is so full it could explode in front of me, and then the dementor would come and suck out my soul, and then there’d be nothing left but a body. the realization that i can make mistakes is a black hole, sucking and never stopping inside me. and it’s hard to explain, because mental illness is smeared ink all across my history, but let me try: let me tell you how every mistake has been the place they strike. let me tell you how every mistake has become a crippling scar, an injury. let me tell you that i’ve never really been a kid. and i’ve never really been safe inside my own skin. and every flaw is where the panic and the pain and the anger seeps in, and i’ve been sealing up holes and leaky pieces for eons now and i don’t know what i’m doing, but it’s hard to breathe and can my scraps of self-compassion just be enough to get me through the night and can i just stop burning and finally get to the part where i’m not caged in my own skin & i rise? can i get past the pain and run through the finish line?


keywords: alone, poetry about loneliness, empty, i feel so empty, i feel empty, i feel like nothing, i feel so worthless, i feel hopeless, mental health stories, mental health, mental illness battle, poetry blogs, mental health blogs, best poetry blogs, goldfish and the microphone, goldfish & the microphone, g&tm, G&TM, popular poetry blogs, long poetry, free write poetry, long poem, free write poem, my poetry, amazing poetry, beautiful poetry, emerging writers, emerging poet, talented poets, most talented poets, best poets, poetry about self-harm, poetry about compulsions, poetry about feeling hopeless, i feel hopeless, how do i overcome my compulsions, poetry about emotional ghosts, poetry about feeling scared, poetry about feeling alone, how do i overcome my mental illness, i feel so, poetry with metaphors in it, poetry about anxiety and depression

i am writing in the bathtub

trigger warning:  insecurity, exhaustion, feeling like you have to hurt a lot to be worth other people’s attention, depression/hopelessness

i am writing in the bathtub and i am trying to calm the scream. my brain has been lit on fire and 90% of me feels ugly how did the weeks pass this quickly. i miss the you you used to be. i am standing at the bottom of a black hole, and i think maybe gravity cannot get any stronger than this. they told me the good news was that bad days are only 24 hours long. and yeah. that’s true. but tomorrow, the despair just seems to spread out its arms collapsing right on top of my lungs like it’s determined to crush them. i just want to tell someone that i’m happy and mean it. i just want to tell me i’m happy and mean it. except i don’t, really, because tragedy is the only colour that looks good on me. and they are right that i could mostly live off just being inside me but like. i’ve never tried so. i don’t really know. i do know you make me happy, though. i do know that i have trouble being alone. i do know that i need to learn how to be alone. i do know that i have trouble facing my fears, and that i see monsters when i look at the walls of this home. i do know that the headache feels impossible to swallow away. i do know that my skull feels like it’s about to rupture under the pressure of me. i do know that when something bad happens, the thought of suicide is the first place my brain goes, like it’s a ticking time bomb, like death is all it knows. and when i first started feeling this way as in this way i was six years old, and now i feel like a house of cards waiting to explode, and i’m not exactly sure when i became so fucked up, but here i am. here i am, being so worried and stressed out in the morning that i forget to take my medication, and i just miss when things were simple, but i also don’t miss it at all. i am writing in the bathtub, and the water envelops me, and i bury myself in the silence, and i’d like to pretend it’s midnight, pretend no one is awake but me, pretend i can ride the cloud-castles of my creativity. i’d like to pretend i could spend all day this way. but the steam is suffocating me, and every day i wake up fearing that today will be the day when the world sort of erupts, and every morning i juggle black-and-white faces, dancing between despair and euphoria, and all of that sounds really fancy, and until i started talking about this i didn’t even realize how broken i was, and i feel disabled sometimes, like i am missing limbs but those limbs are emotions. those limbs are my ability to deal with this. and by this, i mean all of it. i mean the clatter of your voice and the dishes, and the quiet emptiness i force myself to swim through, because. i’m told it’s supposed to get better, after i try this. and i’m not even sure what happened did someone drop me on my head i’m going to hate myself until i can hurt myself deep enough that there’s a black hole large enough to swallow me only i’ll shove it into my past, because then i can throw myself into it and justify all of this. but i don’t have the heart to do any of that. and that shouldn’t feel like a weakness.


keywords: alone, poetry about loneliness, empty, i feel so empty, i feel empty, i feel like nothing, i feel so worthless, i feel hopeless, mental health stories, mental health, mental illness battle, poetry blogs, mental health blogs, best poetry blogs, goldfish and the microphone, goldfish & the microphone, g&tm, G&TM, popular poetry blogs, long poetry, free write poetry, long poem, free write poem, my poetry, amazing poetry, beautiful poetry, emerging writers, emerging poet, talented poets, most talented poets, best poets, poetry about self-harm, poetry about compulsions, poetry about feeling hopeless, i feel hopeless, how do i overcome my compulsions, poetry about emotional ghosts, poetry about feeling scared, poetry about feeling alone, poetry about ghosts, best poetry about ghosts, best free write poetry, best long poems