i’m drinking coffee again and i know that doesn’t sound like a big deal but it feels like it to me because other people can somehow function this way but it’s not like that for me. i haven’t been sleeping great of late and am i about to lose my self-control is this what kills me? because it feels that way right now. as the sky smudges itself black and white and i’m still having trouble thinking clearly. as my thoughts distort and bend like beams of light. i’m drinking coffee again even though i know it’s not good for me and i want to laugh it off because normal people laugh it off and that doesn’t feel like a good sign because that’s exactly the way it used to be. i’m drinking coffee again just because the world told me it was all right but it doesn’t feel all right it feels like throwing up but on the inside. but hey at least i feel alive. but hey at least i can keep functioning on nothing even though the smoke alarm is wailing but i’m numb and maybe i’m dissociating so i don’t actually hear anything. and i don’t really feel like editing because the broken limbs collide into themselves and i don’t know how to tell you how i feel because how i feel is shaped by what i want myself to feel and because how i feel is crammed into not having enough time to deal with it because there is never enough time to deal with it. i’m drinking coffee again, and my poems are eroding and i don’t know how to tell you hopeful things when i don’t feel them and it’s not that i don’t love you it’s that i can’t tell you that until i love myself but i can’t love myself so what am i supposed to tell you when you fall apart in my arms? i’m bandaging up my fingers so i can’t hurt even a small part of myself anymore. and i’m scared i’m just lying to myself because isn’t it all just in my head? because isn’t this all just something happening so. far. away? because my head is a runaway train. and i know i’m in control but i don’t even know how to fix this. don’t know which glue will finally work for all my broken pieces. and maybe i’m just tired right now of fighting this. tired of every day being another train wreck. tired of always feeling like this. so i close my eyes. and i brace for the impact. and i put on a helmet. and soon it’ll be over. and as long as other like the fractal spirals of my tears, it probably doesn’t matter–
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so i try to write it out. but the screen light is burning into my eyes and i’m so fucking fed up of this mind. and i don’t want to be tired but it’s all i’ve ever known for a long time, and there’s not enough time. there’s never enough time crumpling your skull like all the things you’ve ever hated about yourself slowly coming to life. so i drink water and have caffeine because the internet says then i’ll be able to think. desperate attempts at any kind of relationship because someone would be better than no one and when your standards are nothing it’s hard to see clearly. and i’m tired of answering questions, and honestly all i want is to sit in a quiet room and not feel like the whole world is shaking. like no monster can pull me out of myself and make everything go numb and dark and a little bit hopeless. and is that a realistic expectation? or am i being too soft again? because i feel like little red riding hood, walking straight into my own mind thinking that it’ll actually be on my side, only it isn’t, because it’s never on my side, and i’m curled up in a ball on the floor of my bedroom. my problem isn’t that i don’t tell other people my pain, it’s that i tell other people my feelings too much. it’s that sometimes i look into the mirror and i’m already acting out conversations i haven’t even had yet. and i just can’t believe i spent my whole life thinking i could actually trust you. and they say it’s so simple, and they say it’s not simple. and the traffic lights keep flashing at me black and white and grey and yellow and stop and go and stop and go and i don’t know what to believe which is probably why my skull is splitting itself open. which is probably why this isn’t the first time this has happened. and i know it seems so much like a story from the outside. so much like dry-paper skin and something you can manipulate. but. for me, it’s… it’s just reality.
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something true: the google docs app is feeling functional this week. it even let me access some of my poetry without a wifi connection. sometimes it’ll upload my offline edits without even asking. it rained here today for the first time in ages and so now the radish seedlings aren’t dying. today is pi day so we’re eating apple pie and i remembered to remind you this time and your pie crusts are amazing and i know it won’t last. but right now the sun is blooming in little rapunzel-gold waterfalls scrolling across my cheeks in that perfect section of time between 12 and 2. jet lag is a real thing. you are a real thing. the thing about following your heart is surprisingly good advice and apparently it is also a thing. i was brave enough to try. this book i’ve been waiting for to come through has been finally brought to the library. it’s only five months to the next release. i’ll get to see you tomorrow. i wasn’t afraid when i put up poetry club posters which is a new thing. you’re starting to feel like a mentor to me. the irises are unfolding their glacier-blue perfectly symmetrical petals more and more every day. the daffodils are growing their flowers impatiently waiting to explode. we facetimed today. i deconstructed a key fob. i can at least talk to you instantly even if i’ll never meet your eyes and your face is starting to fade from my mind. it’s not enough, but i guess that’s something.
so yesterday there were contractor people at my house. literally, not poetically.
when i say this / i mean it / all the feelings / in my throat / go down tasting like / ink & plastic / ink & plastic / i / smell like / honey i / told myself this time i / was gonna be / worth it but / this time / is right now / and / it feels like / there’s a tsunami / rising up in my throat / i want to escape / i want to escape / i want to / close the door / behind me / when i say this / i mean it when / i talked to you / i didn’t mean it / the panic is a windstorm / kicking up the dust in my throat / the shadows / under my eyes look like / cotton-candy clouds / but i can feel myself / skidding / but i am / working too quickly to consider / stopping / my stomach / stops / spinning / i can’t / the taste of / parchment & / plastic / paper lanterns / i have no right / to be pretty / i have no right / to laugh / i have no right / to clip in flowers to my / hair i have no right / to stand here / i have no right / to close my eyes & dream the dreams you never got / i have no right to close the door / but there’s a sheen of seran wrap / covering my mouth / i’m tangled up like / a butterfly in a spider’s web / in my throat / but i / don’t / know / who / i / am / i can hear the news anchor voices now / i was supposed to come / to be interviewed / i was supposed to / come / out / come / out / my stomach feels like / a metal cage / i will live out / my days in / there’s echoes / trailing around / my basement / there’s / echoes / when i say this / i mean there are people / drilling holes into the walls / i mean there are people / with their trucks / parked in my driveway / i mean i could really use the / waterfalls in your eyes / & the smile like sunlight / on your cheeks / i mean / everything smells / like / metal i mean i / forgot how to say hello i forgot / how to say you’re welcome / i forgot how to sing without feeling the notes choke like there’s a traffic jam in my throat / my hands are / shaking i / didn’t ask / you / the questions i wanted to / the ink is settling / burning tattoos onto my / palms / when will you be gone / when will you be gone / when will you be gone / i close my eyes / i lean against the mattress / sounds of hammers at the floor / stitch myself together / carefully / music / just listen to music / & it’ll be okay / just start to cry / maybe tomorrow / it’ll hurt / a little less / air feels too / warm air / leaks into my / chest / if only you / talked like this / every single day / if only there was / proof / i was worth / this / worth / anything / bittersweet taste of / fennel on my / lips / i don’t / know how to / talk / & i wanted / to be your friend / but i guess the issue with / meeting someone on a professional basis / is that / it doesn’t last / is that / it doesn’t / stick around / forever & / i feel like i’m / choking / on myself / i feel like maybe i / said something wrong i feel / like / maybe wearing sunglasses / so i could look into your eyes without you noticing / was the wrong decision / my lungs feel like pillows / that got accidentally torn up in a battle / & i know / there are people who keep trying to drill pilot holes / in my skull just to tell me you are worthy you are worthy you are worthy / i know there are people who call me up / when it snows / to have a snowball fight / i know there are people who don’t want me to go / i know i practically framed your praise on the wall / i know i’ll hear all the things you said / in my head / but the monsters / the claptrap-clang-bang-ricocheting bullets / always seem louder / i always feel like / i said something / wrong feel like my mouth is one of those filters / they use to purify water / except instead i make sure / nothing beautiful / comes out the other end / there are / ghost sounds / echoing from the / floor / there’s a wall / between us. // there’s a wall / between / you & me / & your voice / sounds like a pillow / sounds like all the edges are / grey & smudged / there’s a bouquet of happy / all around me / but everything / smells like metal / but even this stupid bottle of celebrity / perfume / you gave me / couldn’t / make me feel pretty / couldn’t / make you / love / me / love / me / when i say / love me / i mean / i’m lonely / when i say / i’m lonely / i don’t mean / desperately / i don’t mean it / like / i need your charity / i mean it like / i’m lonely because i hate myself especially / when it seems like you’re telling me to / i mean it like / what if i got / dirt / under my fingernails / what if i wrote you / a rainstorm / why is the only place i feel safe / inside my skin / inside my room with the door closed / why do i wear clothes that make me look as much like nothing / as possible / why don’t you come home / why don’t flower clips in my hair / make you / love / me / why can’t / i stop / trying / to make you / love me… // you know / those positive / affirmations / you can pull up on the internet? // yeah. // they feel / like pieces of thread / tied to my / fingers / feel like / pieces of thread / with no one / behind them / form a / tapestry / & / i scrabble / at the rock / & let go / & they / form a / rainbow / they / fall / with me / then / would you stay / then / would i be your everything / no one is anyone’s everything / no one is anyone’s everything / now / am i / beautiful