okay

trigger warning: suicidal thoughts (in the context of recovery)

i just want to write something to do justice to the small things. like watching avatar: the last airbender with your friends. and screaming when the episode ends. or like… writing in bed, curled up with your computer, listening to the soundtracks of musicals you’ve never actually seen before. and the moments where amid the storm, for the first time in a long time, you actually kind of feel warm. and when your organs are not made of lead, and when you do not want to die, and you are free to be whatever you like. and when you mind isn’t the end. and when, for one, precious moment… you’re not the property of your head.


everything is still really rough. at least, right now, as i edit this poem. it’s been a really rough night. it’s been a really rough couple of nights. i’m just so tired of being sick–i don’t want to be sick anymore. i just want to be all right. is that too much to ask? i just want to be all right. if you need any help, my mental health resources masterpost is here. i hope you’re all doing okay.


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a night spent looking at the stars

so it’s almost pitch dark, right? and it’s only 9p.m. but apparently by some people’s standards that actually qualifies as late at night. and the city lights flicker and dance in the starlight. and i don’t even know where we are. and i don’t know what’s out there, but i’m not sure i care. because right now, beside you, everything feels beautiful. and maybe that’s enough. to try my best to be your friend. and feel like a book character. and roll down the hill in your grandparents’ backyard together. and not know how to stop. and not want to stop. and never want to stop. because maybe this is what it feels like to be happy, and alive, and weightless, for the first time. maybe this is the metal i will mould into a sword as darkness falls. and as my heart pounds. and maybe this time, we’ll be the army against all the painful memories pouncing on these broken bodies. and maybe i can’t keep you safe from the world, but i can listen. and care. and i can write you happy poetry, just to let you know how much you mean to me. and for what it’s worth, in this moment, i am more than my broken pieces. i am caffeine and stardust. and i am someone who matters to you. someone who is wanted by you. and someone who finally realizes that it can be completely platonic and still mean the world to you. and i am someone who tries. and i am someone who is here. and maybe that’s enough. to be this person who a year ago, i would never have thought could have existed. and to feel like a miracle.


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