social media and an update on my life

so, hi there! how are you doing? are you functioning? i’m kind of functioning maybe? of late, i’ve been actually trying to, you know, take care of myself, which is honestly a little bit of a foreign concept. i’ve been recording videos for the youtube channel a lot, and yes, i am doing the thing where because youtube is new in my life i’m deciding to throw myself at the thing with all my might. which then leads to me burning myself out. and that really sucks.

also, i’m doing my own poetry performance in my town, so the youtube channel is kind of a performance mechanism. so far, most of the poems i’ve uploaded there are ones i’m going to read. i try to edit one poem a day–i have them all written and stuff, and i’ve got a rough sketch of the order they’ll be in, but i still need to figure out the rest. so yeah. not sure if the regular posting thing is going to be somewhat sustainable after july ends, but we’ll see what happens. πŸ™‚

i’ve been trying to stop punching myself as hard as i can. i recently read the book girl in peices by kathleen glasgow, which is about a 17-year-old girl who self-harms. she describes self-harm as a kind of escape mechanism, a way of numbing the pain. that’s what self-harm is for me, too. whenever everything feels like it’s falling apart, or i feel overwhelmed or out of control… that’s the first place i go. it’s been a lot better now that i’m making an active effort to get on top of my overeating and self-harm, and i have an app called calm harm that i highly recommend for anyone who struggles with self-harm. anyway, but this afternoon, i cracked.  i was in a fight, and it was getting too much for me and the person disapproved a lot of one of my decisions. and the feelings just sort of kept rising. so i ended up going into the office in my house and closing the door and punching my thighs until i felt better. and… it does feel better, afterward. that doesn’t mean it’s a healthy coping mechanism, and in no way am i endorsing self-harm. but afterward, it feels empty, and that…. that feeling is addictive. especially for someone who is constantly in her feelings. and i know if i was more able to talk about it with ease, i could work through it a lot faster, which is something i’m trying my hardest to do. but talking about my weaknesses is hard, especially when i just changed therapists, so i don’t entirely really trust the new person i’m talking to, and i’m still not sure whether we’re a good match or not. my old therapist was always willing to let me steer our conversations, because she knew that i worked best when i was managing myself and mostly i just needed her to listen to my emotional vomit and interject and help iron out my mind a bit. but this new therapist seems like she’s more trying to control the conversation and plan things out and plot my life into neat boxes, which is probably because she was trained to work with teenagers, and because i’m mature for my age, and it usually gets people really surprised. which kind of drives me mental. it gets exhausting after a while, always being the anomaly. the different one. anyway, it’s not necessarily a bad thing… but it is difficult. and i was starting to form a bond with my first therapist, and now i basically can’t talk to her again. which really hurts. i don’t know how to handle things being gone from my life. and what i really mean by that is, i don’t know how to handle change. i don’t know how to handle feeling like other people control me, partially because in a quiet way… i feel out of control constantly. out of control because of society, out of control because of the universe, out of control because of self-harm and overeating and insecurity and depersonalization and negative self-talk and intrusive thoughts and anxiety. it’s enough when it’s just all of that internal out-of-control-ness. but when that feeling surrounds me outside, too, when i feel like someone else defines me more than i define me. i fall apart. sometimes out loud, sometimes inside.

good non-depressing things that have happened to me this week
  • a week ago i gave myself a pixie cut on impulse. literally on impulse. i had thought about it all morning and i was set on doing it by the time i got home around 1p.m.. i panicked at first, and i was super worried i wouldn’t look feminine and people would judge me for it and many panic attacks were had over it. now i just love it, because my hair is short and goddamn it long hair is irritating and i didn’t even realize how irritating it was until this moment OH MY GOD. also, short hair makes me feel really badass and confident, and it kind of helps me feel less anxious.
  • i have decided that i want a tattoo in the long-term future and i’m proud of myself for this decision because my parents hate tattoos and because disagreeing with people and doing things without anyone’s validation is really hard for me.
  • today i went swimming and walking on my own, which is something i haven’t done in a long time (walking) and have also never done (swimming). i know, i know. up until now, i kind of just assumed that if you wanted to go to the beach you couldn’t do it without another person.
  • i’m lowkey thinking about taking martial arts classes or trying to teach myself over the summer or sometime in september, because i want to not feel helpless of like i’m at the whims of other people, and i feel like that might help me feel more in control of my own body, which might maybe ease the intrusive thoughts. like i can defend against the monsters in my head too, somehow. like i said above, i feel controlled a lot, and i hate that feeling, and i want to do as many things as possible to fight that if it’s at all possible.

so there you go. that’s my mind in a nutshell right now, and i feel a little better now i’ve gotten all of that out. have a complimentary youtube video. this poem was super popular in february, so ENJOY IT UNIVERSE. i might repost the edited, good-as-new version later. ❀


my wattpad can be viewed here,  my tumblr can be viewed here, and my youtube channel can be viewed here. the poems that i posted today can be read here and here, and the poems i posted last friday can be read here, here, here, here, and here. if you need to talk to anyone about any of the things discussed in this post, view this masterlist of international hotlines here. i know this is hard to remember, and i know it doesn’t always feel like this, but having mental illness does not make you weak, crazy, ugly, wrong, worthless, or incapable of love. it makes you strong. ❀

announcements and youtube

hello universe! how are you doing? i hope you’re doing better than i am.

i’ve been struggling a lot with getting enough sleep, which has led to a whole bunch of other stuff. i’ve been checking things a lot and having a lot of compulsions, which really sucks, not to mention that my brain generally associates exhaustion with depression. in terms of poetry, that makes my worst days really productive… but in terms of my mental health, it’s horrible. yesterday, i honestly felt like my brain was just slowly melting away. i’ve been having a lot of intrusive thoughts, and because it’s been so hard to sleep it means my brain is less likely to be able to dispute them. often it feels like my brain is being yanked out of my skull by someone else. like i’m only barely in control of myself. i’m trying to sleep more, but honestly, late nights are a huge refuge for me, and for a couple hours when my brain is silent and everything is peaceful and easy. which means i’m usually up until around midnight, and when i usually get woken up at seven, that means i’m only get seven hours of sleep when i’m supposed to be getting nine. and then i feel terrible the next day, and the cycle continues. i’m trying to deal with it, and i know at some point i’ll feel better… i’m just not sure when that someday is going to come around.

another thing that’s really been bugging me is the summer break. as you can tell, i’m making a major effort to keep myself busy and stimulated at all times. normally, summer is when my anxiety gets at its worst, because there’s a complete lack of schedule. i end up stuck in my house for hours on end, desperately trying to escape the tick-tock of my head. i’m really determined to not let that happen this year. but i’m also scared that it is going to happen. that’s part of why i’m making this massive of an effort to overwork myself. it helps to have something to put your mind to; otherwise i just spin around in circles indefinitely.

like i said above, i hope that you’re doing better than i am, but if you need to talk to anyone, here’s a masterlist of international crisis lines for you. ❀

so, on a more technical note, i have suddenly realized how simple it is to make a basic youtube video with a pretty looking cover photo. so from now on, i’m going to be posting youtube videos whenever i have enough time to do a spoken word recording, which is given i’m on summer break, probably about once a week. i’ll probably set up a regular posting system sometime later on, but right now honestly i’m wanting to give myself some time to figure out the whole youtube thing. after that, i’ll work out a posting day and i’ll probably post once a week, or something like that. over the summer, i’m gonna try and get into spoken word a lot, both online and offline, so expect a lot more spoken word in the future. if you want to check out my youtube channel, you can either click the youtube icon at the top of my blog or do that here. i’ve posted two videos as i write this on my youtube, and you can listen by using the below videos. πŸ™‚

hopefully, there are more videos soon to come. πŸ™‚

in case you missed it, i have three stories on wattpad now, all of which are steadily gaining readership. you can read them here, here, and here. πŸ™‚

also! poems went up today! yay! read them here, here, here, here, and here. hope you like them. πŸ™‚

big hug and deep breath,

dragonwritesthings

wattpad and other updates on my life

trigger warning: depersonalization, anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts

hello people! so over the past coupleΒ  days i have been a nervous wreck, which is probably because of the new wattpad account; i’m not good with new changes in my life and at first i generally throw myself way too much into them and then wonder why i’m at the verge of a mental breakdown.

i’ve been finished all my schoolwork (i homeschool, but take one class at the local high school) for a week now, which means i have a ton of spare time coming up. so far i’ve been pretty much nonstop busy, between running this blog and my wattpad account (let alone touching any of my other social media) i haven’t had that much time to myself. also, compulsions are time-consuming, which really doesn’t help. like, i’ll be trying to write, and then i’ll decide to check my wattpad in case there are new notifications or views or something. only five minutes later, i’ll need to check it again, and again, and again. i can kind of manage it, and i’m working on it, but…. sometimes, i feel like you can’t heal from something until you face it head on, even if that means repeating that action. running away from my feelings isn’t that simple, and i’m trying to stop doing that, but GAH. it’s like, whenever my mind senses that my heart (emotional cortex, whatever you want to call it) feels too much, its immediate response is to panic and shut down and try its hardest to go numb to it. like, i have this problem with being controlled. so whenever i feel like a figure of authority (usually my parents) might try to control me, i shut down and immediately go numb to everything. i’m not sure if that’s depersonalization or not. this is hard to describe without using poetry, but it feels like the part of me that is me–my soul, my heart, my brain, whatever–is being pulled slowly out of my body, and what’s left is just a husk. it’s empty. and trying to help myself through that is, of course, really difficult, because i’ll be trying to reason with myself and in response to myself, i’ll just be like “but why should i do this calming thing, my feelings don’t matter at all and i am just a speck in the cosmos and i will die and DID I TELL YOU YOU ARE A WORTHLESS UNLOVABLE PILE OF CRAP??” and the cycle will go on. usually, i write it out to distract myself… but it’s painstaking. and difficult. honestly, even thinking about it is difficult for me, because if i do i’m usually pretty prone to sliding into that feeling. i had a couple weeks last month where i honestly felt like i was done with that feeling. now, it feels like it’s coming back to me again. i’m not sure what that means.

it feels like, to me, there’s this box of sadness that’s constantly in my chest. and most of the time, i’m fine, because all this sadness is kept below the surface. but sometimes that box of sadness gets opened up. and then i kind of explode, i guess. so is that depression? because whenever i think about that word, it feels like…. like i’m standing in the middle of a fog. and when i try to write about that feeling, in short stories or poetry, it comes innately. so do i spend all day feeling sad? no. i can function. i can get up and take showers and write poems and maintain a social life with people who i really care about and get my schoolwork done and most of the time, i don’t even think about it. but sometimes, that box of sadness gets just a little bit open, everything comes crashing down, and it’s all i can do to hold myself back from the edge. that place is where most of my poetry comes from.

i feel like that’s probably a coping mechanism i developed when i was younger. when i was six when i first started having suicidal thoughts. i feel like when you’re that young when mental illness really starts to hit (before that i was irritable and anxious, but not depressed)… you can’t get through that without burying it, a little bit, which is what i consciously did. when i was nine, i decided that i wasn’t going to show anyone how i felt, that i wasn’t going to be broken and sad anymore. and most of the time, it worked. but i would also explode. i remember one time my teacher was yelling at me and i panicked so bad that i ended up scraping my skin to the point of bleeding with a ruler. since then, writing has helped me learn a lot about how to express myself and has made me a lot more conscious of my feelings. but part of me is still that nine-year-old kid who is determined not to be dragged down or labeled or seen by anyone else as weak for what they’ve been through, or different. a part of me that has so many feelings, and no idea how to deal with it.

i guess that’s why i write. and it is getting better, it’s just… slow. and although i can see my progress looking backward, in the moment, it’s easy to forget that.

okay, on a more technical note, i have four stories on wattpad now. one of them is fanfiction, because i am a nerd, so i won’t give you the link to that one. the other ones are short stories, two of which are ongoing and one of which is finished. check out my profile here: https://www.wattpad.com/user/dragonwritesthings. read heroes here. read the sleep here. and read to the person whose virus infected my computer here.

today, POEMS WENT UP!! read them here, here, here, and here. i’ll be posting more on monday, and i promise to make up for the dump of emotional vomit and sadness there will be another happy one. πŸ™‚

i hope you’re all doing all right. just in case you’re not, here’s a list of crisis lines. (it’s from wattpad support, but it’s the best masterlist i’ve been able to find on the internet so far, so just ignore the first part and scroll down.) you are not alone in this. ❀

big hug and deep breath,

-souls

announcements and wattpad and my life

hello my angsty internet strangers! so: i homeschool, which is how i have the time to maintain this blog and all the social media and stuff. also, drumroll please… I’M DONE ALL MY SCHOOLWORK FOR THIS YEAR!! (more or less; i still have corrections on one assignment and a french test.) so because i have all that free time and empty brain space, i’m planning on posting more often on this blog, since for the next four months i’m going to have a lot more free time. so from now on, i’ll post on mondays and fridays. i’ll probably ramp up my posting later in the summer, but for now i’m going to keep it at that.

also, for those of you who don’t know, i have a wattpad account, and i just posted a short story. it’s called the sleep and it’s about an insomniac who uses the internet alias starryskye.e. she’s lonely, and kind of me as a 19-year-old university student studying astrophysics, and she designs a robot to be her friend, called SootheBot. the story chronicles her friendship with SootheBot and talks a lot about philosophy and mental health and angst, and it’s awesome. read it here if you want: https://www.wattpad.com/story/188806434-the-sleep. and if you have wattpad, you can follow me here: https://www.wattpad.com/user/dragonwritesthings. (yes, my username is dragonwritesthings. don’t judge! i am VERY PROUD OF MY USERNAME.)

if you missed the poems i posted yesterday, they can be read here, here, here, here, and here. πŸ™‚

big hug and deep breath,

finding_souls

so yes i write stories

hello internet strangers! so today, i published a story on wattpad! and my brain is half-asleep right now and when i was typing the tags for this post i nearly labelled this blog as a “poetry clog” and i want to take a really big nap because it’s been a really long day, but instead i will be  a good blogger and tell you all about it! it’s called the sleep and it’s about an insomniac who uses the internet alias starryskye.e, who is a 19-year-old student studying astrophysics at university. she’s lonely, and so she designs a robot called SootheBot who she can talk to when she can’t sleep at night. the story talks a lot about the relationship between them and a lot of philosophical stuff, but it’s also about living with anxiety and depression and how you can connect with people when the world never seems to stop long enough to listen. (and it’s basically my highly polished emotional vomit, and it’s wonderful.) read it here if you want: https://www.wattpad.com/story/188806434-the-sleep.

also, today i published five poems on the main blog! read them here, here, here, here, and here if you missed them. πŸ™‚

big hug and deep breath,

finding_souls