lonely nights, which are only slightly better with sweaters and radio

trigger warning: self-harm

and tomorrow, everything will be different. and tomorrow, i will feel things again. and tomorrow, i will not feel so abandoned, even inside my own head. and tomorrow, you’ll be with me again. but you won’t be with me again. but you won’t even see me this way again. and the self-harm marks are turning into scabs, and i refuse to let those scabs become scars, but in the moment it’s just a lot… more… hard… and tomorrow, i will get on the phone. tomorrow, i will not cry in the closet with a pillow like a blindfold because that way you don’t have to fucking know. because that way, i can just walk right past you, and try to look as much like nothing as possible. but for now, i’m stuck. so for now, i’ll just make myself tea. and put on a sweater. and open google docs, and plug in my headphones, and wait out the storm. as i listen to the radio.


i wrote this one on a really bad night, a couple weeks back, as a way to try and talk mysel f out of a particularly bad wave of loneliness. i really did listen to a radio broadcast while i was writing, and somehow the sound of another human voice, just talking about music and their feelings and the world… it was really calming. and i guess it just reminded me that there were other people out there. and that the world wasn’t ending, and that it would be all right, and in that moment, i needed that reassurance more than anything. for spoken word version, click here.


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august 15th, 2019

there’s a certain way the stars look, when you’re crying in your backyard at 10 o’clock at night because everything is broken, and because i’m falling, and because you don’t understand, and because the sky is blue, and because you’re dying. and because there’s a way that it feels to laugh and cry and slide into tired nothingness, all at the same time. and there’s a way to love you so much my heart breaks in two. a way to love you, so much i can’t handle even being in the same room as you. and there’s a way your eyes feel, after you’ve spent half of today crying and the other half dying inside. and if i were sick in a way people actually understood, maybe i wouldn’t be hiding under the stars trying my hardest to conceal the deepest battle scars. and maybe i wouldn’t have to hate myself under your arms, because everything is spinning. and because it was so stupid, and because i don’t know how to process any of this. and because there’s a way your mind looks when you realize how fucked up it is. and when you realize how sick you are. and when you realize how recovered you are. and when you realize how empty your eyes are. and when the whole world is spinning out of control as you stare up with tears in your eyes at the stars. and when you’re on stage, but your hands are shaking, and your voice wobbles, and you just want to run away. and when your mouth hangs open, and your heart starts to race, and your stomach starts to tear itself apart, and you pinch yourself to stop the pain, and you said it all wrong again, and the floor drops out beneath your feet, and the wind whistles in your hair and you don’t know what to say…


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announcements and youtube

hello universe! how are you doing? i hope you’re doing better than i am.

i’ve been struggling a lot with getting enough sleep, which has led to a whole bunch of other stuff. i’ve been checking things a lot and having a lot of compulsions, which really sucks, not to mention that my brain generally associates exhaustion with depression. in terms of poetry, that makes my worst days really productive… but in terms of my mental health, it’s horrible. yesterday, i honestly felt like my brain was just slowly melting away. i’ve been having a lot of intrusive thoughts, and because it’s been so hard to sleep it means my brain is less likely to be able to dispute them. often it feels like my brain is being yanked out of my skull by someone else. like i’m only barely in control of myself. i’m trying to sleep more, but honestly, late nights are a huge refuge for me, and for a couple hours when my brain is silent and everything is peaceful and easy. which means i’m usually up until around midnight, and when i usually get woken up at seven, that means i’m only get seven hours of sleep when i’m supposed to be getting nine. and then i feel terrible the next day, and the cycle continues. i’m trying to deal with it, and i know at some point i’ll feel better… i’m just not sure when that someday is going to come around.

another thing that’s really been bugging me is the summer break. as you can tell, i’m making a major effort to keep myself busy and stimulated at all times. normally, summer is when my anxiety gets at its worst, because there’s a complete lack of schedule. i end up stuck in my house for hours on end, desperately trying to escape the tick-tock of my head. i’m really determined to not let that happen this year. but i’m also scared that it is going to happen. that’s part of why i’m making this massive of an effort to overwork myself. it helps to have something to put your mind to; otherwise i just spin around in circles indefinitely.

like i said above, i hope that you’re doing better than i am, but if you need to talk to anyone, here’s a masterlist of international crisis lines for you. ❤

so, on a more technical note, i have suddenly realized how simple it is to make a basic youtube video with a pretty looking cover photo. so from now on, i’m going to be posting youtube videos whenever i have enough time to do a spoken word recording, which is given i’m on summer break, probably about once a week. i’ll probably set up a regular posting system sometime later on, but right now honestly i’m wanting to give myself some time to figure out the whole youtube thing. after that, i’ll work out a posting day and i’ll probably post once a week, or something like that. over the summer, i’m gonna try and get into spoken word a lot, both online and offline, so expect a lot more spoken word in the future. if you want to check out my youtube channel, you can either click the youtube icon at the top of my blog or do that here. i’ve posted two videos as i write this on my youtube, and you can listen by using the below videos. 🙂

hopefully, there are more videos soon to come. 🙂

in case you missed it, i have three stories on wattpad now, all of which are steadily gaining readership. you can read them here, here, and here. 🙂

also! poems went up today! yay! read them here, here, here, here, and here. hope you like them. 🙂

big hug and deep breath,

dragonwritesthings

how to fuck up

trigger warning: fairly detailed description of a panic attack, self-harm mention, exhaustion, self-hatred, mention of surgery

stay up. because sleep feels impossible. because there are too many feelings, none of which you know how to process. coat your soul in blankets and cushions make a classroom out of your heart and stand at the door, your fingers brushing against the wood, and listen to them knock but do not let them in. start panicking. tears, dribbling down your cheeks, skin numbed and deflecting what they tell you because it’s too much and it hurts and it’s not true and you have to pretend that you are made of metal. you are made of metal. you are smaller than the atoms of your skin. feel your heart pounding in your chest but it’s ten times louder than it is. collapse. i mean, let your chest cave in. and don’t run. your hands will be shaking, and maybe your mind is melting,and as the wires cross i swear it’s blinding. do not think about the damage. ignore the gigantic mass of your self-hatred. become so terrified of the monsters hiding in your mistakes that you forget to apologize, and now there is a mess towering behind you. i’m screaming as the ashes fall and the sirens wail all around me. punch yourself in the middle of the night when they’re all sleeping like if you hit yourself hard enough, you can pound the hurt out of you. and afterward, when you’re lying on the cold grass in the backyard and it’s so dark outside, cry for the mess you’ve made of yourself. cry for the bite marks and the scabs that still won’t heal. hate every part of yourself. like hatred is enough to saw off your broken limbs. breathe the kind of breaths that come right before the onslaught of tears pounces on your lungs and decides it’s time for a rainstorm. time to pour out everything i’ve been meaning to tell you and haven’t been able to. every syllable of i’m sorry scrambling itself into i’m still angry. because i am angry. let your feelings swallow you and don’t fight it.jump off the edge before you’re ready to, because then i’ll stop thinking like this. because. if i stop acting like this, i will stop thinking like this. because it’ll be over in a second just don’t think about it—just don’t think about it—just don’t think about it.


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announcements and wattpad and my life

hello my angsty internet strangers! so: i homeschool, which is how i have the time to maintain this blog and all the social media and stuff. also, drumroll please… I’M DONE ALL MY SCHOOLWORK FOR THIS YEAR!! (more or less; i still have corrections on one assignment and a french test.) so because i have all that free time and empty brain space, i’m planning on posting more often on this blog, since for the next four months i’m going to have a lot more free time. so from now on, i’ll post on mondays and fridays. i’ll probably ramp up my posting later in the summer, but for now i’m going to keep it at that.

also, for those of you who don’t know, i have a wattpad account, and i just posted a short story. it’s called the sleep and it’s about an insomniac who uses the internet alias starryskye.e. she’s lonely, and kind of me as a 19-year-old university student studying astrophysics, and she designs a robot to be her friend, called SootheBot. the story chronicles her friendship with SootheBot and talks a lot about philosophy and mental health and angst, and it’s awesome. read it here if you want: https://www.wattpad.com/story/188806434-the-sleep. and if you have wattpad, you can follow me here: https://www.wattpad.com/user/dragonwritesthings. (yes, my username is dragonwritesthings. don’t judge! i am VERY PROUD OF MY USERNAME.)

if you missed the poems i posted yesterday, they can be read here, here, here, here, and here. 🙂

big hug and deep breath,

finding_souls