hello internet strangers! so today, i published a story on wattpad! and my brain is half-asleep right now and when i was typing the tags for this post i nearly labelled this blog as a “poetry clog” and i want to take a really big nap because it’s been a really long day, but instead i will be a good blogger and tell you all about it! it’s called the sleep and it’s about an insomniac who uses the internet alias starryskye.e, who is a 19-year-old student studying astrophysics at university. she’s lonely, and so she designs a robot called SootheBot who she can talk to when she can’t sleep at night. the story talks a lot about the relationship between them and a lot of philosophical stuff, but it’s also about living with anxiety and depression and how you can connect with people when the world never seems to stop long enough to listen. (and it’s basically my highly polished emotional vomit, and it’s wonderful.) read it here if you want: https://www.wattpad.com/story/188806434-the-sleep.
also, today i published five poems on the main blog! read them here, here, here, here, and here if you missed them. 🙂
big hug and deep breath,
a true story of love loss heartbreak whatever-fancy-words-you-want-to-call it etc.
the problem / with beautiful / is that it always ends / & i’m standing here after you closed the door behind you / said you were going to work / waiting for a chance to say goodbye / my fingers brushing against the white enamel / waiting for a chance to continue the storyline / the problem is eventually everything you love / is going to stop / eventually all these records / are going to rot into the ground / all these books / won’t be remembered / all our skeletons / will be beyond / preservation / eventually / nothing will be forever / eventually / all these houses we called home / will turn to dust / & i know / that’s a trillion years away / i know how long we have before the sun explodes / i know it’s not something i have to worry about / but it / will / happen / think about that don’t / think about that. // i know when you interview me / you act like / you’re trying to sort my personality into neat little columns / so i can see myself but in a different font with the contrast / up / i know when i talk about it it makes so much sense to say three words / it’s always three words / i / am / sad / i / am / angry / i / am / in / love / i / am / happy / but it’s not that simple / there are scabs / scattered across my face / even though i can’t / get / it / perfect / even though / saying hello makes me cringe / at this mess of a person i’ve become & / by mess / i mean i feel like a rearrangement of / broken mirrors / i feel like / a kind of rearrangement of / dead plants / got pulled up by the roots / when you look into the mirror really / really close / all the flaws appear / all the skin / keeps turning into a monster’s / i mean i’m not perfect / i mean my cheeks are the battlefields my anxiety likes to have its bloodbath skirmishes across i mean / if i were younger / or a boy / or just / prouder / happier / confident-er / didn’t care / didn’t yearn for love like rapunzel / wants to know / what dirt / feels like / like the little mermaid / wants to walk on the beaches / rather than swimming in the water / & i went to school with hair that makes me look like a wild thing with battlefields on my forehead / it would probably seem a lot better / a lot easier / a lot better / a lot easier / a lot prettier / prettier / prettier / when i look in the mirror / all the flaws circle themselves in red pen / & then in highlighter / it’s a sunny day / & the misshapen leaves have this way of glowing green after the snow / & i’m only feeling somewhat unexhausted / because i drank coffee / i am like a textbook case of / how anger / drives you crazy / like living with your own torturer / she / had a point here / i feel like one of those dancers / getting raised up in the air / spin around / spin around little / pretty bird / i mean / even if i gave you / half my effort / like effort was water / i could bathe you in / i don’t feel like it would matter / not really / i want to talk / with you / except / i don’t think anyone else wants / me to / i feel so / aimless / sometimes / & by aimless i don’t mean / i didn’t know / where to fire i mean / i fired / & now i’m sort of floating in the air / wondering / if i could go back / scared of the posters on the doors / i run out of the building sometimes / & it feels like / there were these wings / folded up / on my back / i never noticed before / never felt before / i’m wondering how to distinguish between / hungry / & fed up / how to distinguish between / exhausted / & burnt out / wondering / if sleeping / really makes anything better anyway wondering / why / i can’t / treat myself / any better knowing / the answer / what i really mean / is i’m like a little kid asking their parents why / they have to eat / this stupid asparagus / asking their parents / why they have to do this / knowing that talking to you is like talking into a wall of concrete & expecting it to understand you you / knowing / it won’t make a difference / the problem with this book / is i open it when it’s 3a.m. in my heart & i’m screaming at myself for being like this thinking it’s an effective gardening technique / to kill all your weeds / to kill all your plants / & now your backyard is this wasteland you don’t know how to navigate / & it’s starting to rain / & now you’re stranded in the middle of your own website / except you’re not really stranded / you know how to swim across the ocean / you just wish / that yelling it made people more inclined / to listen / & / hanging my head like / a hemlock / in the process of falling / telling you / this battle is over / is like / dipping your toes into / melting hot water / moving / inch by inch / struggling to believe / those inches will someday turn into kilometres / the problem / with beautiful / is that i’m reading this book / falling in love with you / crying inside every time / you do / i’m reading this book remembering / what peace / is remembering / what love is remembering / what it looks like to have dreams / that we learned how to cup in our hands / like bathwater / for years without a single drop / slipping away / & then / i sort of flip / to part three / & now i’m starting to cry / because i just pulled up a bunch of dead kale / & chard / & lettuce / & then called this / march / called it / marching / called it making way for the new / called it springtime / but really what i mean / is every / pretty thing seems / to have bloodstains / on its / fingertips / & really what i mean / is i’m at part 3 / & i’m considering / not reading any further / because i know how this ends / because i know / that i’m like a moth / flying into a housefire / watching you / make flowers / only to rip them apart / petal / by / petal / falling onto the gravel / why is it / that some people / don’t deserve a happily ever after?
thank you so much for believing in me. please don’t stop. never, never, never.
but / i’m not / perfect / but i’m not / perfect / but i’m not / perfect / i’m not / even close / to perfect / i’m a spill on the counter / i forgot to shape into something / prettier / into something / easier / but i’m too / quiet / too / quiet / but my opinion is so easily / molded / my thoughts redrafted like messy essays scribbled on napkins you plagiarized / i’m crying tears that melt me like an iceberg / but i’ll have refrozen / by sunset / the split second you just don’t get it even though i love you like i love the ground below me / how can i be a lightbulb / how can i be a lightbulb like you say when i don’t even realize it / i’m scared i’m more hate than love / full of so much rain / but not enough sun / & rain / will not help / melt things / but it only makes the ocean rise higher / i’m scared without the pain / there’s nothing i’ve got left / scared i can’t keep going further / but i’m tired of the colours / only i can see / like a private light spectrum / i tailored for myself not realizing the dress would become a prison / i’m tired of being bright bright blue / except you can’t see blue / except every time you look at me / you roll your eyes / you laugh / you act like poetry is a word i scribbled on the chalkboard of myself / no / poetry / is like the item my third-grade teacher etched onto the whiteboard / in sharpie / hot lunch orders / still waiting there / poetry / will not be erased with rubbing alcohol / should not be erased with rubbing alcohol / trying to erase poetry from me is like / trying to erase my heartbeat / trying to wipe the air air away where i touched it / because you said / it got too messy / sometimes it feels like you would rather be invisible / my soul is like a rainforest / no one else bothers to walk in because they’re scared of the tigers / i always get the same compliments / wise / insightful / self-aware / bright / etc / strangers / repeating like this / broken record / am i the broken record or is it you / are you the broken record or am i / you don’t understand / whatever beauty you see in my eyes / i can only kind of find / & if i did / i think it might ruin me / & maybe it exists / or maybe / you’re just lying / i’m tired of you / not / understanding the colour / bright bright blue / but i’m not perfect / but i’m not perfect / but i mess up all the time / but all / those / teachers / told me / that someday / they would be reading my novel / & yeah for a second / it made me look people / square in the eye / but how do you know my novel would be so great / if i asked would you stop / believing in me / would you tell me i was being crazy / if i was the kid panicking in the hallway / would you call me crazy / you wanted me to be a rocket / you could pour the fuel / into / i don’t know / maybe / you fell for a reflection / & not a reality / maybe i fell for a reflection / & not a reality / sometimes / this version of me / who stands up on stages / is the only thing that makes me pause in the mirror / before i call myself / stupid / evil / liar / sometimes it’s the only time i feel / at peace / ok / at peace / ok / you were kind / in front of me / but / what did you say / in the lunch room / what did you say / to someone else / what did you say about me / when you realized / my mind was an attic i am crawling through hoping / i don’t put a hole / in the roof / sometimes the sound of my / voice feels like / a sticky snakeskin / i want to cast / away i didn’t / tell you / this / & i close my eyes / my hands are shaking / it’s like you’re talking in a foreign language / i shove the praise at my reflection & watch myself hug me back / trying to melt together my / hundred thousand tissue paper faces / you whisper encouragements / sometimes / when i read over my own work / it’s like reading something in a different language / sometimes / when i look in the mirror / it takes me a moment / like / oh my god / that’s / me / sometimes / my mind just / sort of / goes / blank / like / an empty / document / error / error / error / sometimes / even telling the truth / feels like getting into a locker / i’ve forgotten the combination of / having to use / bolt / cutters / we’re not even talking about massive / secrets / but / when / will i be / good / enough / for you / but when / will i / feel / ok / this is the only time i could call myself / 99% ok / but / why / can’t / i even / talk / to you / why does my brain / see little butterfly wings / to be tornadoes before they even / rise in the morning / why don’t i know / or want to stop / holding onto pain / like it’s a pacifier / somehow / if i see it / does that make it true / & / the thing is / it’s not / enough / to be different / when there are a million other stars / in the sky / & maybe i’m just / pleiades / maybe i’m only / a small cluster of stars shaped like a house in the night sky / maybe / i’m not bright enough / to be / noticed / because / i can’t / see / half of this / my lungs aren’t / even empty highways / they’re just / dead / inside / my mind feels / carnivorous / which is ironic / since i’m vegan / which is ironic / because i tried so hard i disappeared to not hurt anything / because sometimes hope is the only lifeboat / that won’t collapse on me / it’s just you can’t buy it easily / i tried so hard to not hurt anything & it worked well until i realized i was lying
note: whenever i find the time/ quiet rooms, more spoken word recordings will be coming. might even work on a voice recording for this poem later.
the taylor swift song echoes through my head / echo through my head / echo through my head / i have listened to this song / before i knew it / inside my head / like snowflakes / on cold metal / i carefully caught the / words you said / the words / you said / carefully / watched the movie trailers / based on famous books / i said / that it would be wonderful / if everything / could be / like this / but i don’t think / it is. // but i am not good / at learning / how to trust / strangers. // you can be good / at something / you’re crap at / you just have to / get good / at sledding / over yourself / sledding / over yourself / sledding / over the lumps & bumps of yourself / wind in my hair / reckless fearless. // i want to / plunge myself / out the edge / of an airplane. // i want / to / feel / the clouds / rushing out my cheeks / i want to / breathe / this time / when you play / the piano / your fingers gracefully / slipping off the keys / swimming / through the music / like a dolphin / swims through water. // i want to have / enough time / to laugh with you. // i swear / that yesterday / was the day / i started knocking down the walls in my chest / but it’s going to take / years to finish. // i swear / every article i read in the newspaper feels like a knife carving away the lazy edges of my mind. // lack of sleep / causes hunger. // christmas lights / twinkle in the corner of my eyes. // i wanted to be / mad at you / but you did nothing / to me. // i want to / click this into place / like a love song. // i want to place you face in the trailers / i’ve seen. // i want to dance / in the snow / but it’s weighing down my feet. // but i built / a sled jump / in the front yard / & the first time i tried it / it fell apart. // having fun / is still possible. // when you’re / alone. // it’s just / harder. // it’s just / quieter. // like writing / both sides / of a conversation / with you in it. // reckless fearless. // that would be / dancing in the middle / of the street. // that would / be grabbing a megaphone / & screaming / that life fucking hurts sometimes. // that would be / telling you / that even though i showed you / the papersmooth / worn-out parts of me / there’s still / pieces / with dreams / inside them / there’s still a part of me / that believes / pretty has a meaning / there’s still a part of me that wants more / than the echo of this room when you leave it. // this room / when / you leave it. // there’s / a part of me / that’s still 9 years old. // there’s a part of me / that listened to taylor swift / & didn’t care / what the words meant / there’s a part of me that / threw dance parties for myself / & pretended i had the kind of friends / you write / books about. // a part of me / that knew pretending so well it clung like saran wrap / shiny & hard to detect / that moment when / you realize nothing is / what it looked like / nothing is as simple / as it seemed / that moment when your hand / touches the solid / screen. // that moment. // 9-year-old self sits in the corner of my chest watching the sunset / thinking about romantic / kisses. // 9-year-old self feels guilty for asking you nothing more than financial questions. // i don’t know / how you live without / hope. // maybe that’s my bias. // wind / in / my / hair. // don’t / think. // maybe / it’s not / supposed to last / forever. // maybe / it’s just / supposed / to last / right now. // maybe / if / i’m / honest / this time / maybe / if i’m / honest / maybe