the suburban lull slithers down my thighs. shattered dreams, shitty motels. broken teeth and downcast eyes. i want you to know you’re worth more what you give to other people, all right?
you don’t have to play dumb. don’t have to blink innocently. and no matter how they word it, you don’t owe it to anybody.
not the blood moon, clawing its way down the sky. not the parched book pages. not the twinkle in his eye. you are the aurora borealis; a thousand watercolour shades, bleeding down the sky….
lead blankets. a fuzzy guitar riff. and oh, sweetheart tell me why. tell me how you suck in your stomach, how you keep your head down. how you give up so completely…
welcome to the land of the reckless and the brave. where dreams go to die.
i am normal. for one goddamn moment. not the pile of skin and bones i have come to call home. i am just a teenager. please tell me that i am just a teenager because i don’t want to be alone.
i am normal. and you can’t tell me otherwise, because anger is a wall of fire i will build around myself to keep everything else out because i’ve been through enough.
so i am normal. so i am fine. so i am pretty, and perfect, and all right, and look at me with my blog, and my good grades, and my lovely social life.
look at me. look at me straight in the fucking eye and tell me any of this mattered. tell me it was worth it.
i mean, go ahead. try.
nothing you say is gonna make me believe it.
maybe if i try hard enough, i can just… numb myself cold.
and i’ll try to breathe, but my lungs are made of stone.
and i’m just a body. so none of this matters, really.
and i can’t stop questioning. can’t stop thinking. and i would scream for help, but i don’t think anyone would hear me calling.
and i don’t know who i am exactly. but whatever it is, i can feel it slipping away. slowly.
and the screen light will swallow me.
and maybe if i tried hard enough, i could just step away. and it wouldn’t feel like this. like the panic was rising in my throat, and oh my god i’m not the one in control, and oh my god, oh my god, i think i’m letting go.
and oh my god, what’s happening to me? can someone please just explain me what’s happening to me? and tell me it’s going to be okay. hold me in your arms and tell me it’s just a bad day. tell me it’s gonna get better tomorrow so don’t worry about it sweetie–
because it’s been a long time since i’ve felt as alone as i do today.
This poem has been in the works for a long time, vaguely sitting there in the back of my Google Drive. Vaguely based off some stuff I’ve been feeling lately. I hope those who are reading this don’t relate to this poem, but if you do, just… know you’re not alone. I feel this way too, and even if I’ve never met you I can say that you deserve help. You deserve to get better. And even if no one else you know does right now, I and so many other people you haven’t met yet want you here and care about you. You’re not alone. You’re never alone. Even when it feels that way.