april 15th, 2020

fingers tapping on the keyboard. heart of stone. and i don’t need your help. i’m doing just fucking fine on my own.

and aren’t you such a cliché?  such a cute little girl? and oh, just let it go. tear your heart out of your chest with your bare hands, and watch as it melts blood-red into the snow.

and the walls press in on me, and my butterfly pulse continues weakly, and suddenly i am a bomb about to explode.

and my eyes are missing puzzle pieces. and my lungs are broken glass. and i just need to let it go. just need to swallow it down with a spoonful of sugar, and let the medicine go down like it’s supposed to.

and riddle me this. and riddle me that. because i don’t know what i want when i’m near you.

because you tell me who i am, and suddenly i’m a ripped wool sweater, unravelling on the floor before you.

and i didn’t think i was this pathetic. but apparently… i don’t know shit.

I don’t really know where this piece came from–there’s no specific inspiration. I’ve had my fair share of at best questionable and at worst toxic relationships (not of the romantic kind, just, you know, relationships in general) though, and I think really how those made me feel–all those combined bad memories just sort of combined to form this poem, I don’t know. Being stuck inside the house has really left me a lot of time to ruminate on my memories–time I would rather not have, honestly, but I guess maybe something good will come out of it.


better than nothing

i don’t want to write anything. and i don’t want to move, and i don’t want to breathe, and please. just leave me in peace.

 i don’t want to write anything, so i’ll write you this. this depressing piece of shit. this empty list of words, clunking around my head.

because it’s better than nothing, right? because if i’m not gonna write anything anymore, then… here. have this.

 have the remains of my heart after a late-night panic attack because of course something went wrong. and of course i couldn’t stop thinking about it.

have the wind biting into my cheeks, and blowing through my hair. and the voice in my head, that just wants to get the fuck out of here.

and take it. take all of it.

i don’t think i’ll be needing it anymore.

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you don’t deserve any of this

so self-centred. i can’t believe you’d do this.

so go on. take a bow. and rip your skull to pieces, and drop it on the ground, because i don’t know who convinced you that you matter, but they were wrong. 

your mind is a slippery slope. and it’s time you resigned yourself to the fact that eventually, you’re gonna fall.

because you don’t deserve any of this. so shut up. stop whinging about your problems.

it’s time to go.

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another sad poem

pick yourself up, girl. i’m tired of seeing you like this. just stitch together the gaping black holes in your chest and laugh it all together. because that’s all it takes, i swear. all you really have to do is just fake a smile, and drink green tea, and focus really really hard on getting better.

just lift yourself up, up, and so far above. like me. smile from the top of the sky and see? everything was fine. so don’t come crying to me with another boring piece of sad poetry. you’re bringing down the vibe. you’re kind of acting like a baby.

come on. don’t be this way. just sprinkle rainbows and sunshine on your shoulders, and turn that frown upside down. because this isn’t a mental illness. just another sign, of another person riddled with weakness.

and you know? i really thought you were better than this.

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for poetry club

goodbye. to calling it “the plant room.” to inside jokes and cult chants and high school feeling perfect. even though it isn’t.

goodbye. to somehow, for a moment feeling like the child i never got to be. naive and small and innocent, laughing until my stomach hurt over the stupidest shit. to perching contests and piggyback rides, and tu es caca eeboo, or something like that.

goodbye. to magic, and pouring our hearts out on scrap paper, and the giddy rush of finally having friends.

goodbye. even though i can still see the memories, flickering through your eyes. even though i think you’ll always be there, carved out into my chest.

goodbye. because even after everything you gave me, i think i’m ready to let go. i think it’s time to fly. and i know you’ll always be there buried deep, down inside.

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