i am strong (or something like that) – spoken word


“Prórroga de Tiempo C” from patrickdearteaga.com
Used under this license.
“Water drops” from freesound.org (https://freesound.org/people/Zaziesound/sounds/496305/)
Used under this license.
“Sounds of emei shan mountain (birds, river)” from freesound.org (https://freesound.org/people/EduFigg/sounds/454667/)
Used under this license.
Poem by me. All sounds have been edited by me.

Read the text of this poem here.

but it’s just human nature

and so brush off the red flags with positive affirmations, and a flick of your finger. you’re being dramatic. it’s just human nature. and i don’t think you’re supposed to have something to live for.

pounding drumbeats, and angry music, and standing on the edge, and footsteps against cork floor. and what are you doing? you shouldn’t feel angry like this. shouldn’t be losing control like this, and please stop telling yourself there’s nothing you can do about it.

you did something wrong. and you deserve to be punished. clenched fists, and a churning stomach.

they did something wrong. and they deserve to face your wrath for it. fast breathing, and a throat sore from screaming.

and look at this hole you’ve dug yourself into. look at the fires you’ve lit, and the homes you’ve torn up from the ground, and good god. what have you done to yourself?


I wanted this poem to feel really jarring and, I don’t know, rhythmic? A little like a heavy metal song in poetry, if that makes any sense. I don’t really know where it came from, it was just an empty file on Google Docs I opened up at school and then a couple days later I wrote this just based off the file name. Of late, I haven’t really been struggling with anger like I have in the past–but, well, I’ve been in some pretty bad places in terms of anger, and I wanted to just try and write that out.

Find me on PatreonYouTubeInstagramWattpadTumblr, and on Twitter.

i am strong (or something like that)

i wanna write something real.

i wanna write something that doesn’t feel like it’s sugarcoating what’s happening, because what’s happening is i am falling. i am falling, from everything i used to be. and i know it looks pretty awesome from where you’re standing but trust me. living my life isn’t easy.

i wanna write something that makes me feel awake. because to be honest, i haven’t been feeling that way a lot these days. 

i wanna write something. because i have a voice, and i want to use it. because i am not a curse to the world i live in, and the greatest thing i could do is so much more than be erased. you know that right? we don’t deserve to live this way.

apologizing for our dreams, and our hopes, and our feelings. apologizing for being here. apologizing, because it’s the next best thing we can do to disappear.

you know, you are not defined by your mistakes. you are worth so much more than your worst moments, or the times when they looked you in the eye right before they threw you away.

you are the flower growing through the crack in the sidewalk no one ever thought to water. you are the whisper that becomes a voice that becomes a roar. you are the whole sky staring right back at you in the mirror. you are the everyday magic it takes to get out of bed, and get ready for school, and somehow have the courage to stitch yourself back together just enough to make it through.

so i wanna write something for myself. i wanna write something for all of you. 

i wanna write something like the driftwoood raft you used so long ago when everything fell apart. when the ship crashed, and it all went dark, and you were completely fucking alone. 

i wanna write something that feels, despite all of this, like the smallest piece of home.


Find me on PatreonYouTubeInstagramWattpadTumblr, and on Twitter.

november 27th, 2019

i’m losing control. i know i’m losing my control. and you’re inside of me now. swimming in my throat.

so get away from me. get away from me. because i’m going to explode.

because i’ve been hurt enough times that i am not going to take the risk of letting go. and don’t touch me. get off me. i don’t deserve your love, and in the end you’re only going to reject me. i don’t think i was made for this kind of reality.

so close your eyes, okay? say that you hate me until i beg you not to go, and gouge scars into my chest, right through my clothes. slam the door closed…


Find me on PatreonYouTubeInstagramWattpadTumblr, and on Twitter.

cold

trigger warning: suicidal thoughts mention. need to talk to anyone? crisis lines are here.

numb hands, and a heavy head. and i know it’s a mental illness, but it’s still in my control and i still should have fixed it.

i should have been better. should have been perfect. not frozen numb on the inside, hands in my pockets as i realize that loneliness does not discriminate based on circumstance. and that even when i’m surrounded by the people who love me most, i will still fall asleep, and my mind will still feel like stone.

and sometimes when i cry, i feel like i’m six years old. and my mom tells me to stop. my mom tells me it’s not your time to go and how can thoughts of suicide at such a young age have somehow felt so normal?

so for all of the times when the lonely felt like permafrost seeping through me. when i was defined by these aching concrete bones. i am not alone.

there is love out there. there is something like a small beam of hope, and i won’t say it’ll go away forever. but there’s more to life than feeling this cold.

and you know you brought yourself back to life from the brink of oblivion, right? you rubbed your hands together. you smashed sunlight into sparks and somehow lit a fire. you wrote yourself a home. 

and it’s gonna be ok. believe me. i’d know.


Check out the spoken word version here.

Find me on PatreonYouTubeInstagramWattpadTumblr, and on Twitter.