Happy New Year!

Hey guys! I don’t normally post about holidays, just because I’m not a huge celebration person, but I just wanted to say, to whoever likes my blog enough to bother with reading this: thank you. Thank you for nice comments, and likes, and for supporting me at the start of what I hope is a long journey.

This is the first year out of many for this blog, hopefully, and I can’t wait to see what I’ll accomplish this year. What the world will do this year.

And honestly, 2019 was rough. I think 2020 is probably gonna be pretty rough too. But I know… that we’re gonna make it through. And it’s ok to be scared. It’s ok to be excited. It’s ok if you aren’t all that emotional about new year at all. Whatever you’re feeling, it’s ok.

2019 was rough, but… it’s also been a year of growth. The year I started this blog, the year I got help and started medication–the year things started to get better. And even though I’m scared, I’m also excited. Because I think things are getting better. I think I’m going to fight.

So… I hope the next year is a good one for you. I hope so much, for all of you. Thank you again, so much, for everything. We’re in this together.

Lots of love,



i am healing. i am stitching myself together, piece by piece. i am broken glass and ruined tapestries, and a childhood stolen away from me. 

i am the first step forward. i am shaking hands holding the bandage over the bleeding wound of my past. i am gritting my teeth through the pain, and somehow finding courage.

i am a flower growing through the heaps of garbage. i am a ray of sun in the middle of a snowstorm. i am melting ice, and the feeling of loving arms.

i am battle scars. i am every day just trying to make it through to the end and still feel like i can live with myself.  i think this time i can live with myself.

live with knowing… that i will always be a little broken. that i will cry some days, and it will feel like the world is ending. and i will just want to stop caring. stop trying. but i won’t.

i made it this far for a reason. i am improving. i am getting better, even if i’m only healing slowly. 

and maybe someday, i really will be able to say i’m in recovery.  

My therapist thinks I’m stable enough to switch to once-every-two-weeks sessions, despite how much I’m going through right now, and to be honest, I’m terrified of how that might affect me. But I’m also hopeful. Because… maybe that means I’m getting better. 

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december 1st, 2019

go ahead. leave me alone. close the door, and turn off the light. it’s fine. you were going to forget about me anyway. don’t try to lie.

and so go ahead, okay? leave me with nothing but dust, and ash, and an empty head. and i’ll curl up in a ball and pretend that i don’t know what i am without another person holding my hand.

because i get it. i’m not that memorable. and if i wasn’t there to remind you i exist, i’m pretty sure you’d probably just forget about it. and go make new friends.

because there are people out there who will help you. it’s just… i’m tired of having to scream my lungs out, and stamp my feet into the ground, and tear myself apart just hoping you’ll notice.

so just… promise me, that if i close my eyes. that if i hand you everything that matters. that if i fall apart in your arms, and give you all the chances in the world to leave me, you’ll still be there.

Ugh. Feelings of abandonment are really hard for me, and definitely something I’ve been struggling with of late. I just want to put a note on this that honestly, in reality, my friends are awesome and amazing and I love them to bits–even if anxiety makes me worry about being hurt or abandoned by them. These thoughts are not, in any way, based in reality, and I’m sorry if this sounds melodramatic. I know it kind of sounds melodramatic. But my brain has honestly been really melodramatic of late.

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breathe in, breathe out

breathe in / breathe out / you can do this. / breathe in / breathe out / come on / you were made for this. / breathe in / breathe out / you were born with a voice for a reason. / breathe in / breathe out / it’s ok if it’s hard. / and all you have to do today is write one sentence / take one step forward / and that’s enough. / it’s ok. you’re allowed to be tired. / and you can do this / and you will make mistakes / of course you’ll make mistakes / but the sun will rise / and the wind will blow the leaves away and the seasons will change and i promise you there will be another chance like this, even if it doesn’t come right away. / now speak / one sentence after another / you have something to say, and there are people out there who want you to be heard. / be brave / be the loudest thunderstorm / be the roaring ocean / be the wind pushing the clouds away / now rise / rise without looking back / rise, despite all the times you hate yourself / despite the illness / despite the cracks in your head / despite all of this. / and yeah, it takes strength. but i know you can do this.

A spoken word version of this poem will be releasing on Friday, so if you liked this, keep your eyes out for that one. 🙂 Find me on PatreonYouTubeInstagramWattpadTumblr, and on Twitter.


building castles, only to tear them down and start all over again. because it’s never perfect as it is in my head.

building kingdoms. sculpting blood, sweat, and tears, into the most beautiful portrait.  but no matter how hard i try, there’s always going to be something wrong with it.

and i’m so scared of messing up, that honestly to this day when faced with the possibility trying i would still rather stay in my room, hiding. because maybe you miss 100% of the goals you don’t shoot, but the rage of self-hatred i will give myself for failing is far worse of the vague guilt of sitting there and doing nothing.

and you’ll tell me you’re so proud of me, with tears in your eyes. and you’ll wrap your arms around me. and i won’t feel anything, except maybe in the most hidden corners of my mind.

but i’ll smile. and i’ll get up on stage, and wave at the crowd, ignoring the voices in my head even though they’re so fucking loud. and i’ll give this my everything. i’ll keep going through the storm… until i can’t do this anymore.

Check out the spoken word version here.

Find me on PatreonYouTubeInstagramWattpadTumblr, and on Twitter.