& please oh god oh please / stitch the fault lines into neat seams / slash and cut and tear me into something else so i can breathe / because i can’t breathe / sometimes / when your hand brushes mine / and it’s not pretty / or romantic / when i say i can’t breathe i mean i start to fucking panic / & hey / can we just talk for a while because / i think my head is gonna explode into little glass pieces on the floor if i don’t tell someone about it / & i’m overcaffeinated / & useless / reaching out with one hand through the piercing dark / & why / why does my life always have to be this hard? / i mean shut up / you don’t have a right to say anything you’ve been through is hard/ and maybe the voice is right / maybe they’re right / maybe it’s time to give up / & just / let myself fall apart
Reaching out to others is really important for me. I guess that’s why I’m writing this blog in the first place–because reaching out to others is probably the only reason I’m in the place I am in life right now, honestly.
(I promise I’m safe, I just wrote this a couple months ago while I was in a really dark place.)
Happy blogiversary everyone! Thanks so much to everyone who listened to the whole of this chaotic puddle of a recording. I’m so glad I started posting my work on the internet, and I hope 2020 is an amazing year for all of us. ❤ -dragonwritesthings
building castles, only to tear them down and start all over again. because it’s never perfect as it is in my head.
building kingdoms. sculpting blood, sweat, and tears, into the most beautiful portrait. but no matter how hard i try, there’s always going to be something wrong with it.
and i’m so scared of messing up, that honestly to this day when faced with the possibility trying i would still rather stay in my room, hiding. because maybe you miss 100% of the goals you don’t shoot, but the rage of self-hatred i will give myself for failing is far worse of the vague guilt of sitting there and doing nothing.
and you’ll tell me you’re so proud of me, with tears in your eyes. and you’ll wrap your arms around me. and i won’t feel anything, except maybe in the most hidden corners of my mind.
but i’ll smile. and i’ll get up on stage, and wave at the crowd, ignoring the voices in my head even though they’re so fucking loud. and i’ll give this my everything. i’ll keep going through the storm… until i can’t do this anymore.
i don’t get it. i’m sorry. could you please just explain this to me again? i know i’m not always a good person.
it’s cold out, and i just want to turn back time to last year. when i was naive, and for a couple scattered, fleeting, days, everything was beautiful. but i can’t do that. so… here i am.
and maybe i was just a really lonely kid. maybe i clung to promises more than i should have, for the sole purpose of needing something to hold onto. but i still miss you.
and if you ever read this, i just want to say i’m sorry if i hurt you. if i did something wrong. and i’m not angry. i get it. i miss you, and i wish you were here, but i get it. you’ve moved on. and it’s ok. you don’t need my permission to be whoever you want.
so i hope you’re happy. i hope you’re really happy. i hope you’re who you want to be.
and… thank you. for all the things you’ve given me.
I know this is based off something that happened in my life, but I’m not sure what exactly what it is anymore. Just some nostalgic/regretful memories in general I guess?
So, guess what? Today, goldfishandthemicrophone.com just hit its first 100 followers!
I’ve been working toward this for a long time. When I started this blog (please no one go back and look at my old posts!) I didn’t even really know how much I wanted to promote it, how much I cared if it was successful. It was just my little corner of the internet, my safe place. It was just for me–more than it was for anyone else.
As a writer and as a person I’ve come a long way since that day. I’ve refined my style into something clear that I can actually kind of define. I’ve developed my own unique voice. I’ve gotten braver, more willing to share my work and my feelings with the world. I’ve learned how to design graphics for the web, how to… I don’t know, at least attempt to market myself. I’ve gotten help, and… I’ve gotten better. I’m not going to say I’m doing great, but I have gotten better. I’ve grown more confident. I’ve gotten older. So much has changed.
So thank you so much, all of you, for your support–for reading the new posts and for liking and commenting and following. I really appreciate it, and I can’t wait to see how far this site will go in the future. ❤